Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Response from Santa's Workshop



Response from Santa's Workshop to Mr.Lance at Solitaryviews.net

Dear Mr. Lance,

First off, thank you for your letter. This is the first year that Santa's Workshop is using google reader instead of the usual postal services for letters to Santa. Much more efficient than snail mail. I am glad that you are working hard, for you know what they say about idle hands.

You mention that you live in Saskatchewan, and that it is very cold. You would like to have the province separate and join your southern neighbours. I am afraid I do not get into politics or border disputes of any kind.  Otherwise, I would end up in political dilemmas where I would not be able to enter the country on Christmas Eve. Now where would that leave the children?

I do agree that it is very cold in the north in the winter. I am not getting any younger either. For this reason, the North Pole, aka my home, is currently being relocated to the Grand Cayman Islands. The new workshop is state of the art, and we will not suffer breakdowns and maintenance problems that result from being located in a cold climate. Try to get a plumber at 4:00 am December 25th to unthaw a frozen toilet. This is especially frustrating after all the milk and cookies I consumed the night before. Rudolph's nose (we call him Dennis)  doesn't shine as bright any more, and he is having difficulty guiding my sleigh on cold foggy nights. For this reason, starting 2011, Christmas in the Northern hemisphere will now be celebrated on July 25th. The Southern Hemisphere will remain December 25th.  That way Rudolf can guide the sleigh through the summer everywhere.  Besides, it is getting more and more difficult to reach every household in one night. I am already at a rate of 4,426 homes per minute. Don't try to take residence on both hemispheres to celebrate Christmas twice. You will be put on my naughty list for that.

Don't worry about not having a chimney, or a working fireplace -- I have my ways. Who do you think is stoking the fire on the Fireplace channel on Shaw and Bell Express?

No I have not died, and Tim Allen has not taken my place. But he is under Clause that, if anyway I cannot fulfil my duties, he will don the suit to assist me. Where do you think he got the idea of "More Power" anyway. We have to completely upgrade to meet demands every year. He still hasn't perfected the HO HO HO, yet. It comes out more like a "WHO WHO WHO", but at least he's trying.

Your next door neighbours, the lesbians that you said "I wanna watch," so they got you a Rolex. They did not misunderstand you for your watch is defective. It may not tick or keep on ticking, but it sure can take a licking.

As for wanting a Reindeer, sorry! It takes 25 years just to train one for the flight. I made the mistake many, many years ago and granted a young boy a trained Reindeer. For a while, everything was quite fine. One very cold day, the boy decided to take the Reindeer out for a test drive. He was not aware of the speed that they can achieve. How else do you think we can cover the globe in one evening? Needless to say, the boy froze solid while riding the Reindeer, for he wasn't prepared for the chilling cold at those speeds. From that moment on, Christmas was changed forever. Every year, in remembrance of the little boy all you have to do is look out your window. Those little designs that form from the cold are him. His name was Jack, and has since become know as Jack Frost.

As for your last request for the naughty girl list. Again, I'm sorry. There is a reason why I give all the naughty ones a clinker of coal, for a piece of coal is really a diamond in the rough. This provides incentive for the naughty ones to become all they can be. Then I hire them.



Who do you think Santa's Elves are? Without the Elves, Santa's workshop could not operate. And as you can see by the new uniforms, it's another reason I am relocating to the Grand Caymans.

Thanks for your blog letter Mr. Lance
Sincerly,
Kris Kringle.
HO HO HO






 

Monday, December 13, 2010

Absolutely no reason!!

There is absolutely no reason for this post.

I didn't plan, and I didn't have a creative brain cramp to compel me to write this.

I didn't even find anything funny that I was taunted by to share with the whole world.

This is simply a


Really!

It is dedicated to all of my favourite bloggers that are still out there pumping their stuff every day. I read all of it every day. All of you brighten up my day, even the cloudy ones. I'm not going to provide a list of who these bloggers are, I am sure that my side bar, and sponsor list says everything.

That being said, there are a few bloggers that are not going to get away without some mention.

Mimi:
You are an inspiration and a force. You are a real friend, even though we have never met. Many, many of your posts, and the quest for a peaceful world, have left me speechless, in awe, in giggles, and most importantly thinking. You have opened your heart to the world, and I feel privileged just because.

Bud:
You crack me up. I look forward for the the beep of the gmail reader signalling a new post from WTIT. Again, we have never met, but I fell that there is a friendship developed by the bloggosphere universe that goes deeper than most long time face-to-face friendships. You have opened your heart and struggles to the world, but you have also dropped an email, just to say "Hi" or "Happy Birthday" and most importantly--included.

Sandee:
You are one of the most special bloggers. I enjoy a good laugh, and that is what you share. You accept input, and "Hat tip" and hug anyone that participates, responds, or even  comments off topic. I look forward for every giggle that you post.

Lisa:
Thank you for sharing. You are a beautiful writer, articulate, witty, and like a good beer once in a while. You opened up your life, moments, achievements, wit, and heart for all of us to read and feel.

Lance:
A good friend, lots of fun, and we still have to do the critic--I think that will be fun to do.

All I really want to say is

Merry Christmas


TTFN
 



Monday, October 04, 2010

Dear Diary: Episode 2

Dear Diary

 


Episode II
 
A Fictional Real-time Collaboration By Foxxfyrre and Mr. Lance Using Google Docs

Remember the old dairies that we kept all to ourselves when we were young? We kept it hidden. It had its own lock and key, but it could be picked by any hairpin. We would be beside ourselves if one of our siblings or -- god forbid -- parents were to find it and read it. Then in later years, some of us progressed this process into journals. Even blogs were designed to be an online journal that we could all keep, and even share.
What if that diary that we all spilled our guts into had a mind of its own?
What if the diary commented on everything that the writer entered?
What if everyone could read the diaries comments except the writer of the diary?
What if the diary knew everything about the writer, every secret, every heartbreak, everything?
Thanks to Google Docs Collaborative Editing Technology, Mr. Lance and I are going to show the “What ifs” as I, Foxxfyrre, play the Diary Writer, and Mr. Lance plays The Diary.
The Diary Writer will be in normal text, and The Diary will be in coloured text. The Diary will also provide all of the images for the post as a visual for its comments.
Oh, and I forgot one what if. What if the diary was a little bit of a smart ass?
Enjoy

Sept 20, 2010
Dear Diary,

Had that stupid dream again last night. Duh! The one where I’m a Black jack dealer, What? Dry spell... no poker these days?? and all the cards are in binary code, so there is no card that has any number higher than 1 on it. Every player just does not understand that 111 is a 7, 100 is a 4, and 1010 is a ten. A 21 is 10101. Zzz is 011110100111101001111010 !! One player was sooo mad at me that he held up his right hand and threw me a 4 (when counting on your hand in binary, the middle finger straight up is a 4) I just don’t get why this dream haunts me, so what if I took computer science in university. You also took Business Arts, Creative Writing, as well as Sexology and Mixology... you could be having better dreams! 



My day went pretty unnoticed even by me, for the most part. You are  the General Manager - you were noticed!  Usually it’s get up, go to work, get ignored by the majority, go home, watch some TV, dapple with some python programming, youtube a little, and then call it a night. You  left something out, but I will let it go this time... Perhaps some type of self massage....

At least that’s what usually happens.


Went to work as usual this morning, and for the day of the week I hate the most -- Monday, but most importantly, a payroll Monday. I hate payroll. I don’t know why I hate it. I should enjoy it, because it makes my day go so fast. You get to give away thousands of bucks every other Monday... I know you enjoy it.  Nothing but paperwork for at least six hours solid, but it never goes easy that way. 


Today went different, payroll went like a breeze, and then about 3:30 pm I got a call to the front desk. The call was for a guest that needed assistance. The assistance she needed was an interview for a position within the hotel. I granted the interview, for I was getting really tired of pumping numbers, and then she showed up a few minutes after the clerk called her back. My mouth dropped, and I don’t know why. Yes, she was a looker, but not a knee dropper. There was something else. Ok, What was her cup size? I know your a “C” Man, so that can’t be it!
Now here is my dilemma, usually I can size a person up right from the start, but this girl, I could not size up in any way. Yes she was personable, yes she has the qualifications (more likely over qualified), and yes I will check her references.


Just from a first instinct perspective, do I not hire her, because I could not size her up, or should I hire her and take the ridicule if she ef’s up on the job? Even after asking all the usual 40 questions worth of “Hiring a Successful Recruit,” still left me feeling like this woman is an enigma. But I do like puzzles!

Got into a math mode after work, which is unusual for a payroll Monday, but the girl left me wanting to solve puzzles. You could have just googled her cup size... you can almost google any one's cup size these days!  I started playing with circumferences, and  me asking why Pythagoras used PI as the method for solving circles. Then I discovered that you cannot make a Pie with a radius of 69 for any flavor of pie. If you needed to find out how many pieces that you would need, you would need to calculate the square root of the radius at some point. The square root of 69 roughly calculates to 8 something. A pie that says you 8 something before you ate it, wow. Really, use a calculator and check. The square root of Sixty Nine is Ate Something!.  
Remember a few weeks ago you wrote about this Lady you talked to in the lobby,  She would just not understand that The square root of Sixty Nine is Ate Something!  Then when she got it, she was as red as an apple... oh good times...


Or is that eight? Homonyms really confuse me sometimes.  I like seventy-seven! (you get ate more! or is that 8? )  I crack myself up...

Watching the first episode of Hawaii 50. No Baywatch re-runs today? It’s good so far, but why is Daniel Dae Kim who? readily speaking fluent English, still on a beach, Yunjim Kim who? comes out of the water in a bikini, or was that Sun Kwon, <-- Caution: Hottie!! I know the way you think.

  


but he doesn’t seem LOST? He must have recently found himself... And it was the same beach, I think?  I need the little heroine-addicted-Aussie-guitar-playing-dude to give me some perspective. My head hurts.  Need another sit down with your David Hasselhoff poster do you?

+++++
Thanks for playing.
This post was brought to you by two men who obviously have way too much time on their hands. And
By the cool cats at Silicon Valley
 
(You know, the place that makes all the computer memory chips...and wine.)
And finally
by the word (term)

As an aside, I have bee submitting words and definitions to Urban dictionary, just for the hell of it.

I tried Myriam (the official word guy), and he just stated that, “These definitions will only be accepted once used commonplace by the peoples, and furthermore, the epistemomology of said term must must be accompanied by bona fide research deeming the term as, at least, a colloquialism that is accepted for the term. Savoir-faire is prerequisite  for inclusion.”  So, I figured enough of that, and submitted my term to Urban Dictionary, which they promptly accepted. For every post that I do now, I will submit a term to Urban dictionary so that each post can be brought to you by a new word!

Just so you don’t have to click out to see this new term, I’ll include the definition here:
Term: POETS Club:
An acronym for Piss On Everything Tomorrow's Saturday Club.
Avid "Thank God It's Friday" partakers (TGIFers) will announce their membership with the POETS Club to signify that they are on a no-holds-barred-party-to-the-max Friday.
Usage:
Bob, the entire office is getting together Friday night at Charlie's Bar at 8. The Lindeman Twins are going to be there too. It's POETS Club all the way--You in?

TTFN

Friday, September 17, 2010

Dear Diary: Episode One

Dear Diary


Episode One
A Fictional Real-time Collaboration By Foxxfyrre and Mr. Lance Using Google Docs 

Remember the old dairies that we kept all to ourselves when we were young? We kept it hidden. It had its own lock and key, but it could be picked by any hairpin. We would be beside ourselves if one of our siblings or -- god forbid -- parents were to find it and read it. Then in later years, some of us progressed this process into journals. Even blogs were designed to be an online journal that we could all keep, and even share.
What if that diary that we all spilled our guts into had a mind of its own?
What if the diary commented on everything that the writer entered?
What if everyone could read the diaries comments except the writer of the diary?
What if the diary knew everything about the writer, every secret, every heartbreak, everything?
Thanks to Google Docs Collaborative Editing Technology, Mr. Lance and I are going to show the “What ifs” as I, Foxxfyrre, play the Diary, and Mr. Lance plays the Diary Writer.
The Diary Writer will be in normal text, and The Diary will be in coloured text. The Diary will also provide all of the images for the post as a visual for its comments.
Oh, and I forgot one what if. What if the diary was a little bit of a smart ass?
Enjoy

-------
Saturday, September 18, 2010

Today was an interesting day to say the least,  kind of funny now that I think back.
It started out normal, I got out of bed, brushed my teeth, had a shower, got dressed and went to work. But you forgot to shave didn’t ya. Only on my drive to work did I find out that for some reason I was very farty.  Not just a little gassy like one might expect after a night of Mexican food, and Russian Vodka.  A LITTLE GASSY? Yeah right. You still keep me under your pillow like you have all your life. You know how many DUTCH OVENS I had to endure last night?
 
These were hardcore paint peelers - I had to open all four car windows just to make it to work without passing out.   - LOL, I hope no one ever reads this! Oh, I so hope your mom finds me...Then she’ll know everything Bwahahahahah.

I should have called in sick Should have called in dead. Three week old dead Zombies don’t smell that bad, and they don’t chase after you as fast neither
. 
after the eye watering discovery was made on the drive - bout an hour after I got to work was the Department Head Meeting (everyone showed up today) YUP fifteen of us all huddled around a boardroom table in the Small and crowed Richmond Room. and YUP, you guessed it, still farty.  Although everyone pretended not to notice and put up with it so not to upset the boss, I think they were passing notes and laughing on the inside. They were passing face masks, I’m sure.  The worst part was the end of the meeting when the Boss was presenting the last of the revenues - I let a  five alarm blazer roar and everyone busted out laughing.  Guess the joke was on them cause they soon realized that they had to breath during the laughter - they all had to run out of the room, and some even gaged.  Good thing they like me or I don’t think they would like me anymore.

I can’t believe that I actually wrote about farting but it was a major part of my day. LOL

Went to KFC for lunch and had a Spicy Big Crunch, The girl that made my sandwich was amazingly HOT,  Another addiction of yours, if you’d only learn to cook. God you watch enough Chef Ramses that you should be able to fricassee you own chicken by now. 
  
I don’t think she was wearing gloves - the chicken tasted kind of different. It was really good but I can not put my finger on the taste - I know it is something I tasted before...  I’ll get back to you if I figure it out...
Eleven herbs and spices, nooooo secret sauce. Haven’t you seen the movie “Waiters”. You got a death wish going on???


The afternoon went awesome, I got a lot of work done in the office. FYI Played World of Warcraft all day didn’t ya? If not, I know you blogged then,
 
I know you’re keeping another journal. What? You don’t think we talk? I even got hit-on by this sexy looking cougar. she’s in her early forties, but I think she will be an excellent Saturday night date next week - maybe she will teach me how to make french toast Sunday morning!  Lance, Lance, Lance. Don’t you remember your last COUGAR escapade? Yeah she was all that
  
 Two nights of the Matress Mombo and all that time you kept me tucked right under your pillow. And worse, when she did leave and broke your heart, I had to hear about it for a fortnight. Please, if this one happens, put a sock on every doorknob, and put me in the microwave, preferably on high so I don’t have to hear all that caterwauling. You always were a screamer.  Guess I will let you know how it went!!!   Boo-Yeah!

After work I grabbed a case of beer and turned on the Saskatchewan Roughrider game, they were playing the Calgary Stampeders.  Go Esks, Go Esks! Can’t help it I’m an Edmonton fan. 

   

Good old green and gold, Yup, and those very cold winter games. You can see those uhmmm pom poms a mile away.
I am so happy the Riders won 43 - 37 In overtime - I was born in Calgary - and now live in Riderville Sask  - I was torn the entire game! but the good guy’s won!!!    

After the game I decided to look through an old box of pictures and crap I had in a shoe box, I found a picture of myself and an old friend when we guest starred on Three's Company

I’m going to tape it here so I don’t loose it!

Anyway Time for bed! - until next time...NO, NO, NOT under the pillow again...Damn it. I hope that KFC wasn’t tainted.
    ===================================

That’s it for Foxxfyrre and Mr. Lance’s Dear Diary Epsode One. We hope you enjoyed our silliness here. In our next episode of Dear Diary, I, Foxxfyrre, will play The Writer, and Mr. Lance will play The Diary. I think he wants revenge for some of the pot shots I took. Tee Hee!

This post was brought to you by Collaborative Real-time Editor. Try it with a blog buddy, It’s fun!

P.S. All of the above is fictitious except the football game in case you were wondering.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Merger We Wrote

This is a duel post, Featured on 2 Blogs Foxxfyrre’s Honk’n’holl’r and Solitary Views It was written simultaneously by Foxxfyrre & Mr. Lance using Google docs and published on both. 

There once were these two little blogs, which for a long time went almost unnoticed until one day the powers of the Google (a very wise and powerful blizard -- that’s blogspeak for blog + wizard) cast a very unusual spell. This spell crossed the entire blogoshpere until it finally entranced Foxxfyrre the serf and Sir Lancecannot under its grasp. Foxxfyrre and Sir Lance now merged through the ethereal blanes (blog +planes) becoming one, but not one. With the Google spell fully cast, Foxxfyrre and Sir Lance only need to focus thoughts (as if we really can) and all appears as one entity, yet we are still granted power of individual thought.





To illustrate the powers of the Google, I, Foxxfyrre will now think only in Forrest Green, and Sir Lance will think only in....”What colour do you wanna be Lance?”
Red, that is a bolder pink...right?
You’re right, it does look a little pink.
It’s all good, I know I’m all man! (agreed??)
Just a sec, I’m looking for an all man pic that will address your colour issues.
This blog post is rated “R” (For Respectable)
I could not find an appropriate real man pic, but I did find your office chair.

<-- Not my real chair!


That’s ok, I found a picture on file...
Don’t Judge me!


No one is judging -- really???
So Lance, now that we are really under the spell of the Google Collaborative Real-Time Document Editing Spell, what should our first undertaking be??

Can Google teach us how to use Yahoo!  ?? That is something I never could understand... Oh wait... You said undertaking....   I don’t know, what can we undertake without getting in trouble?

Getting Google to teach us Yahoo....I think we’d have better luck selling mechanical bull rides in a geriatric ward.  

Or condoms to catholic school girls…
or Bibles to George Bush...
I think we are getting off topic here

Oops, still thinking about Catholic school girls.....
Well how about a 10 questions meme, I will ask 5 questions, and you answer, and you ask 5 and I’ll answer??


Ok, Fire Away... Just remember my Mother reads BOTH our Blogs !

1. When you reached puberty, what appeared first? The Froggy Voice, the whisker or what?

 

     Froggy or Whiskers?  My Frog had whiskers... I named him Buck!  
I remember him you had him stuffed and mounted outside a French cuisine Restaurant.

2. If you had the choice of any talent with the penalty that you would lose a talent in exchange, what would you want to gain, and what would you be willing to loose?
I don’t know about talents, but I do know that I want the x-ray vision super-power for reasons I’m sure I don’t have to explain…. As for what I’m willing to loose… I don’t know I’ll just forget how to play the piano or something.  

3. Name three things that you do want completed in your life before retiring?
    Sex, Drugs, & Rock n’ Roll  - First thing(s) that came to mind... and I’m sticking to it!

4. If you woke up tomorrow and found yourself  I’m going to stop you right there! My Mother reads this blog!!! You’ve seen it here first folks, the first ever Bloggus Interuptus!!! Yeah... Sorry bout that, but I know she’d call and wonder about what I do in the mornings. I really don’t want to have that conversation with Momzie again... Sounds like someone is a morning lumberjack, got caught chopping some morning trees did ya??

5. Okay, last question. Of all of the women out there who would have been your fantasy date? Date, not romance...

What era? Any time in history or present day, or maybe even in the future if you know something we don’t. Who would not want to underestimate the power of the Google at this point.
Come on, You don’t think Whoopi Goldberg would make an awesome date?
Don’t judge me... I think I just peed myself laughing...


Okay, your turn ask me five.


1. Google put another spell on you, you have just changed genders for 48 hours... what are you going to do with your 2 days?
First, I’m really going to find out where that damn spot is that no man can find. Second, I’m going to find out what Midol really does, for I’ve accidentally taken it (I thought it was Tylenol, that’s how bad my headache was) and they knocked me out cold for two weeks. Next, I’ll probably hunt for a comfortable bra -- you’ve seen my art and know that the Google will curse me with back-breakers. Finally, I think I’ll hunt for that spot again,  if just for getting it down to perfection’s sake---really.


2. If you owned your own island, and got to make it your own country, what would you call it? And why?
I would call it Copuland, for that is what life and liberty is about, ‘cept maybe the Taxes.

3. If you rubbed the lamp and got 3 wishes, what would they be?  
Are you allowed to ask for endless wishes?
No
Then, first I’d have to ask for Barbara Eden as Jeannie

(Don’t complain, you got a date with Whoopi). Then I would ask for a map to that spot that no man can find, especially if question one doesn’t happen. Then I would ask for something nice to affect everyone.

4. What is your earliest memory of puberty?   
I knew you would go there. I was very, very early to blossom. It made it quite difficult for me in school in the early 60’s. I went to Catholic School for grades 1

through grade 6,




and each year the Nun’s habits got shorter, the Nuns looked younger, and I am now sooooo going to hell.


5. If you got banished to your Island alone and could only bring 5 things, what would they be?
A dog for companionship. A blender for the Martguerita's (yes I do know how to distill liquor). A lazy-boy chair. A laptop with a super-strong wireless card and infinite battery life. And a picture of my wife and family.

Thanks for joining in on our little experiment. Lance and I had way too much fun playing with Google Docs and their real-time collaborative editing feature. We didn’t know where it was going to take us, but we hope you had fun with our initial result. We had so much fun putting this together on the fly in real time, that we decided that we are going to come up with a format to put together some fun, and hopefully entertaining posts. We are not sure exactly where we are going to go with it yet, but stay tuned..

A little meme challenge for those that love to meme. Email a blog buddy that you want to do a collaborative meme. If they agree, just use Google Docs and share the document with your blog buddy. You can then edit the post in real time, and even chat in the side bar as you are creating the post. Do the 10 Questions meme, as Lance and I did above. Use 5 of your own questions to ask your blog buddy to answer, and the blog buddy will do the same in return. Unlike a regular question and answer meme, you never know what is going to be asked or what the answer you are going to receive will be until it pops up in front of you. Then you both publish that document, which you can do right inside Google Docs.

Disclaimer: Foxxfyrre and Sir Lance(cannot) in no way represent the Google Corporation.  And for legal reasons, this post is fictitious.  Google is not known to cast any spell on anyone subliminal or otherwise... Or are they?

Disclaimer #2: Lance does not (in any way, shape or form -- well, shape maybe)  have any sexual identity issues (but I did catch him staring at my ass once).

Caution!!!: Never use Google Image search to find “Nun’s Habit” pictures with safe search disabled. My eyes are still burning, and I’m really soooooooo going to hell now......


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