Monday, January 17, 2011

Letters to.......

This is just a small compilation of letters to.  Some have been written to editors, some have been to CEO's and some (I think have been CC'd to their Mothers?)
Anyway, enough of my diatribe, lets get to the meat.

Just for clarity, I will label the start of each letter with the appropriate Roman Numeral. I will end each letter with the approptriate
(I really don't know what you call a row of stars as a separator?)

Dear Iceberg,

Sorry to hear about all the troubles you are going through with global warming.  It seems that the Homo Sapiens are responsible for this with their lust for wasteful and energy consuming demands. I'm not sure that whatever I say to you, at this point, will just fall on deaf ears. But, and there is a but, I was also a by-product of these demands, and as far as I knew, I was the most elite and efficient in my class. All I can say now is --
Karma is a Bitch,

Your acquaintance,

HMS Titanic


Dear Mr. Bell,

I know this has arrived posthumously, but I just need to express my frustration as to why didn't you get your S&*T together right from the start?  Why was the rotary dial first? Why did you attach an alphabet sequence to each number?

You obviously had some real planning and engineering behind these decisions, but you just didn't have any patience. You had all the parameters ready for the first messenger service, but you just didn't have the cohonas to spell it out. No, Mr. Bell and all his power just had to speak first. And what was it you said?

"Mr. Watson -- Come here. I want to see you?" 

What? You couldn't dial that message. No, you just had to jump the gun and speak. If only you showed some restraint, for all the years that I used your wonderful technology, I would have dialed every letter of every sentence that I wanted to communicate. But, no you spoke instead. Where does that leave us all now?

Well, many of us that are old enough to remember the rotary dial.  We took our time and poked our fingers in that dial to reach out to friends. And most of this time on the telephone was to our parents despair, because they were always waiting for an important call. In these days there was always only one phone and it was physically mounted in the most public of home spaces -- usually the kitchen.

Could you only imaging what would happen if you just waited. Service centers would actually talk to you, instead of waiting for the correct number prompt and even pressing the 'Pound' or 'Star' and, furthermore,  those automated things even have the nerve to wait patiently if you only have a rotary phone (your initial invention I may add). 

Mall walking injuries would be greatly reduced, for one would phone and talk to the other person instead of trying to type their intentions out on that really small pad and, therefore, falling down escalators, falling into pools and fountains, or bumping (physically) into the person you are really texting (texting is  modern speak for communicating with another through an alphabetic-numeric medium). I'm not even going to get into driving, dating, working, evading bill collectors, or even text confessions.

Yes, there would be real communication between humans if only you had waited and spelled to Mr. Watson that fateful day instead of spoke. Besides, what did you really need him for? Couldn't find the '.' on the dial to spell 'Mr.' could you?
Voicing would be so cool right now, almost as good as 3D Plasma TV with PVR on Demand.


This was fun, I will have more letters shortly.
Only 2 letters this time, but I didn't realise that I would have this much fun pretend ranting.

1 comment:

Mr. Lance said...

Thanks to your letter - Apple is now coming out with the Rotary iPhone 5.

Text messaging is going to suck!

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