Dating Profile's Comeback Challenge: The Lost Episode

Many moons ago, I used to play a meme challenge that was inspired by Mimi Lenox and her popular Dating Profiles of the Day Blog. From this blog, Mimi would issue a meme challenge to write the best "Comback Lines" to the real dating profiles she would find on dating sites. I found this set of dating profiles still in draft, and were not answered. I guess after a few years, I should finally get cracking and get to it. And what better time to answer these profiles with my comeback lines, for Mimi has adapted her blog into a Facebook site called Dating Profiles of the Day. 

For me to do anything of this nature, I have to put a Foxxfyrre spin on things and for this Comeback Challenge, I thought I would use some sponsors to provide the comebacks. The I thought to myself, "Self," I said, "what if the Addams Family discovered Match.com?" So this lost episode of Mimi Lenox's Dating Comeback Challenge is brought to you by,

So let me just blow the dust off and brush away the cobwebs on these Dating Profiles and let the Addams get to the Comebacks. Remember, as scary as it might seem, the numbered profiles are real.

1. I can cook myself pretty well. I like new experiences and will try anything once.

Grandmama: I wonder if he will use Tarragon and Eye of Newt?

Morticia: I think you should show him respect, and at least taste him first.

Grandmama: You're right as usual. Where are my manners? I can always season him later.

2. Looks Ant Every Thing

Thing: (Tapping out Morris Code)

Morticia: Are you sure that's Ant Thing on eHarmony, Thing?

Thing: (Tapping Morris Code)

Morticia: Well Ant Thing has been very lonely since Unc Thing was killed in that horrible roller-skate accident. She deserves to have some amour in her life.

Gomez: Mon Cherie, that's French!

3. I want to be truely in LOVE. Been like a dog chasing a bus, except I know what to do when I catch it.

Cousin It: Bweep pip bu bip dweep

Gomez: Sounds like she's quite the catch, and she knows what to do with you.

Cousin It: Zup zit zat!

Morticia: Alright, and have fun. But please don't bring any more buses home. 

4. I have NO, NONE, ZERO internal filter. Much to the horror of those around me if I think it I say it.... I am that guy that will spew non-stop garbage from my mouth just to see how far I can go before people realize I'm insulting them to their face. For some reason some people think I'm an arrogant s*@t.... That's so not true!

Lurch: You rang?

Morticia: I know we forgot to get that filter installed when you were being assembled, but you are being much too hard on yourself in your profile.

Gomez: She's so right, Old Man, you are much more rude than that.

5. My main goals in life are to built a house, have a son and plant a tree

Gomez: Are you sure this girl is the ONE?

Uncle Fester: Positively. Read her profile again then tell me she's not the ONE.

Gomez: I see, you're right old man. She can provide you something to blow up, dismember, and up-root.

Uncle Fester: Yes, and not necessarily in that order.

6 The match comes down to weather I find you attractive. For me, that attraction starts with physical looks. Yeah, yeah that makes me a shallow bastard I know but looks are high on my list.

Wednesday: Mother, Pugsley's putting fake profiles on Plenty Of Fish again.

Morticia: Tell him I said that he is too young to date.

Wenesday: He's not looking for dates Mother, he wants to restock the Skeleton Closet.

Morticia: Oh, that's fine then, I know we are getting low.

7. Catch Your Eyes?

Uncle Fester: Got your spleen!

8. I think of myself as intelligent, and am looking for a smart woman. My motto is, you can't think of everything. But you should try. (NOTE: This was his entire profile)

Wednesday: Then he should have known that I would have the moat stocked with alligators.

Pugsley: But N.J, wasn't just our friend, he was our only friend.

Wednesday: Still, he should have thought of everything.

9. Lets see. I have arms and legs, 10 fingers and 10 toes. I want the same thing every other guy wants, but I typically go about different ways of getting it. I like to think I'm clever, but I'm not sure how well that is working out for me.

Morticia: Your Honour,  despite all those imperfections Mr. Draper has put in his personal statement, I still think Grandmama and Mr. Draper can hit it off famously.

Judge Kramer: But your Mother is here for kidnapping Mr. Draper and caging him up with a lion.

Morticia: Oh no Your Honour, Kitty Kat just wanted to play for a while.

10. Are you my future X?

Wednesday: No, but it does mark the spot!

*****

It was fun to actually bring this one out of the Draft Dungeon and actually do it!

TTFN