Friday, February 18, 2011

History's best Pick-up lines

Dating is one thing. Single is another. Gender differences are for life, but there are exceptions (the exceptions are out of the scope of this post, Cher's daughter/son comes to mind though). The only thing complicated about the idea of coupling, or preparing oneself to couple, is simply the introduction.  As you can already tell, this is from the male perspective and (I'm really, really sorry about that). Human history dictates that the "Gentleman" would have a direct, titillating, interesting, and fully captivating statement that would hold the attention of his specific desire (target/woman) and she would be held captivated only long enough to respond with;

"My good Sir, one would not talk to a Lady with such impudence."  

In our modern parlance, we describe the Gentleman's introduction as "The Pick-up Line."

I am talking about the average Joe's introduction, not the Jock, the CEO, the nerd, the geek, the most handsome, or the most intelligent, for these gentleman have their pick-up lines polished and ready to sling at a moments notice. Wether they are successful or not with their line, they will protect, polish, and put it back in its holster for later use.  For us average Joe's, it is not quite that easy. Never-mind coming up with polished ready to wield line, we still have to approach our intended target which can be just as difficult, or even more so. But alas, the gods of the ether have come up with a great solution for us average Joe's called the Internet and more specifically, dating sites of all types ready for us to type up our life's wants and put ourselves out there. All this, and without fear of face to face contact.

Yes, the Internet has helped many a Joe find their true loves, and vice versa. Profiles are everywhere. E-Harmony is on TV way too much. Successful approach for the average guy--sure must be. But for many, many years I was a bartender and witnessed all of the attempted coupling by average Joe's hitting on not so average women. The Internet was not a part of it back then, for a Joe had to pull out his best polished weapon, swallow twice, and then brandish it. And usually this dance was quickly followed by what is called, "The Put Down." From my safe vantage point from behind a bar, I would watch and listen carefully because the put downs are great entertainment. Women are sharp, and usually very, very funny. The poor Joe dusts himself off re-holsters his pick-up line and walks away like a wet puppy. Until he spies another target, reloads and WHAM, usually gets shot down again. Those were fun days watching Joe after Joe lose the coupling game over and over again. Eventually, any Joe does connect, but not until many attempts and several rewrites of their beloved pick-up lines.

My old bar-tending days got me thinking about pick-up and put down lines and how they may have evolved over years. Thanks to the power of the Internet, this research task did not take too long and I would like to share some of history's best pick-up lines, but just for the fun of it, I am going to pen the put downs.

Where better to start then the Middle ages:

1. Fair Maiden, you can scale my battlements any day!
But Sir, for that one must wield a sturdy lance.

2. What a fine set of chalices you have.
I agree good Sir, but is that a kerchief in your codpiece?

3. I am beset by this dragon in my loins, and only you can quench its fire! 
I must inform my brother, for he can slay it.

4,When I was put on the rack in the inquisition, my limbs weren't the only things that got stretched.

I say, those are big ears you have.

5.If I were a horse, I'd rather you mounted me without the saddle. 
I see you've been gelded.

6. Your chastity belt would look great on the floor of my sleeping chamber.
You mean it's small enough to pick a lock?

I hope you enjoyed the medieval pick-up lines. I will be back shortly with another chapter of Pick-ups and Put Downs through the ages.

1 comment:

Sandee said...

I thought the comebacks were pretty witty too. Just saying.

Have a fantastic evening. :)

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