"The Honorable Court of Bloggingham, Her Majesty the Queen Mimi of Meme, Her Loyal Subjects, and the Jurors before the Public of Bloggingham have unanimously found the defendant, Foxxfyrre, Guilty of Meme Neglect in the First Degree. It is hereby decreed that the maximum sentence of Life plus a Month of Sundays without chance of parole or appeal with sentence to be carried out in the depths of Bloggingham Palace's Dungeon. Tortures will be levied out in the form of Daily Rackings, The Iron Butterfly (the band, not the metal thingy), Canings, Cookings by Her Majesty, Purple Nurples, and the occasional Tar and Featherings, sometimes just the Featherings to be determined by the Warden of the Dungeon. So say we all."
Eleven months. Eleven months of tortures, taunts, teases, and ahem *tastes* have been doled out like clockwork. The racking isn't so bad, it does wonders for my sciatica, but 18 hours a day of Inagoddadvita on quadraphonic 33 1/3 LPs with scratches and pops is just hell. What happened to the digital era? A CD? Satelite Radio? Heck, even an eight track cassette player would be magic, but no--it's supposed to be torture. I've even drummed up enough nerve to ask for second helpings at mess just to get them to turn off the background music.
On the bright side though, I have made a few good friends in the dungeon. There are quite a few of us here that have been found guilty of Meme Neglect. And we are all Lifers, and mostly men to boot. Meme Neglect is the most serious of offenses in Bloggingham, and ignorance of the Laws of the Land is not a viable defense. There are others here serving other types of sentences, but they mostly keep to themselves. Us 'Memers', as we have become known, have formed a little social club, and when the guards are asleep, we dabble at a little late night poker.Our social club would not have happened if we did not get on some of the guard's good side. And that was not an easy task. They couldn't be bribed, they were loyal to a fault, but they did find out that I can cook. Once that was out in the open, I was put to work as dungeon guard chef, but I would not cooperate unless we were allowed some liberties.
(I really do make the best Caesar Salads)
Guards even had me working for their family gatherings.
And sometimes they even let me play with fire.
(Is that Grande Marnier I see on the cart?)
Because of my culinary skills, they agreed to our Friday night 'Socials' and stand guard for us, not over us.
It was during one of these 'Socials' that Bobbarama and I figured we needed to make an escape plan. As much as the dungoen was growing on us, we knew we needed to get out. First we needed to get our hands on the dungeon blueprints.
I was able to convince a guard that I needed to use the computer lab, and library in the dungeon to IM with my lovely Lola. This tactic did not work at first because we are allowed conjugal visits once a month.
(Conjugal visit just before last Christmas--Notice guard on right, always alert!)
And if you look closely at Lola's Tee Shirt, I am now convinced that Mimi has the timing of those conjugal visits planned as well--nasty form of torture I tell you.
I was finally able to get a blueprint of the dungeon, and we planned our escape. Two months in the workings, and we thought we had it beat. We knew the timing of shipments-thanks to my hacking abilities-and decided that we would use the laundry delivery service to escape the dungeon. To make our escape foolproof, I managed to get one of the guards a little intoxicated, and had him remove all the tire valve cores to the Palace's fleet of vehicles. I had him believe that the cores were the wrong size and tires would blow out at speeds topping 25 miles per hour. He managed to flatten all the tires of all of the Palace's vehicles before the effects of overimibing took over him. He fell asleep on one of the racks in the dungeon as I had hoped. All we needed now was the Laundry delivery to be on time, and we had our escape made. The Laundry Service driver was in on our plans, and would have kept us well hidden. Unfortunately, Queen Mimi had a trip planned to a far off, and mysterious land called Con Netty Cut, and discovered the flattened tires of the Royal Limosine. As punnishment, all Memers in the dungeon had a Month of Mondays added to their sentences, and an additional square meal a day. Queen Mimi had heard rumours of an escape plan in the works, so she felt punishment must be swift and harsh.
Undaunted by this setback, I immediately started working on plans for another escape. I had heard somewhere out in the blogoshpere that this man, I think his moniker is Promethious, mentioned something about being able to dig to China with plastic spoons. I knew I didn't need to go as far as China, so I started collecting Bloggingham's fine silver plated plasticware. When we were first imprisoned, and strip searched, all belongings were confiscated, save one personal item which prisoners were allowed to keep. I've had a collector's lifesize signed edition poster of Sandra Bullock which I kept as my personal choice while imprisioned. Little did I know at the time that Sandra would play an integral part in my escape. I think I remember reading somewhere that a poster of Rita Hayworth was used as a cover for a hole dug to escape from a prison cell somewhere in New England. I don't remember where or when I read about this thrilling escape, but I did find a portrait of the mastermind who thought the whole thing up.
My thought was if it worked once it could work again.
Implementation of the plan was underway. Four months of digging and I was able to break through underneath Bobbarama's cell. At this point he was able to assist me with the digging which halved the time to dig the tunnel out from under the Palace.
And the day came, my cell was ready.
Being careful not to damage my Sandra Bullock poster, several Memers sneaked into my cell, and still others were waiting in Bobbarama's. At 8:30 am sharp we headed out of our cells and into the tunnel.
The escape plan did have its faults, but when your life is at stake, and there is no hope or end in sight, you'd be surprised what kind of guano one will wade through for freedom.
It's been several years since that fateful morning, and many of us Memers have managed to keep in contact. Everyone except for Bobbbarama, he seems to have slipped off the face of the earth. He has even become quite the legend.
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This is the Prologue for a continuing themed post entitled Foxxfyrre: The Fugitive of Bloggingham. Please follow along and watch Foxxfyrre bumble along as he tries to avoid capture and find the One Legged Man that stole his memes.
Post Episodes to Date:
- Prologue:Sandra Bullock and the Bloggingham Redemption
- Episode One: On the Lamb In Bloggingham
- Episode Two: Backwards Bergerac
- Episode Three: If the shoe Fits?
- Episode Four: Condoleezza Abbot and George Costello?