Thursday, August 20, 2009

Enchanted Chocolates

This is Lily Putian Skirt reporting and I apologize if I may seem a little overexcited by reporting this....But this gentleman photographed on the right known as George, although I refer to him as Daddy, brought a special bag of chocolates home.

I did see the special bag of chocolates and immediately popped open the special bag of chocolaty love and took one of those delights for my snack and went back to play.

While I was enjoying my chocolate and having lots of fun, I heard some very excited noises coming from this young lady that you may already know as Jodi, but I usually call her Mommy.
I went to tell Mommy that they were very good chocolates indeed, but please show a little composure they are only chocolates.

I guess my investigative reporting skills need a little honing, for I noticed Mommy holding a tiny, but pretty little box. Apparently, they must have been Cracker Jack Chocolates for the box was inside the bag of chocolates. If I had known that I would have dug a little deeper into the box.
Mommy seemed quite a bit more excited after she opened the box, because it must have been the grand prize of Cracker Jack Prizes that Mommy dug out of the bag. She was holding a really nice ring. I could understand her excitement. Usually those prizes are some put together little model or a little plastic figure of some type.

Daddy seemed quite excited as well, for Mommy just kept saying 'Yes I will,' and Daddy kept saying that she loved Mommy lots.

Mommy immediately started phoning everyone. Grandma and Grandpa, Great Gramma and Great Grandpa, Aunties and Uncles from all over, and every friend I think that Mommy and Daddy know were phoned .

It really must have been a special, enchanted ring that Mommy found in the bag of chocolates, for she called it a name. I think she said it was an engagement ring. Boy it must really have magical powers because everyone Mommy phoned seemed really happy for Mommy. Mommy also told everyone that I am going to be the ring bearer. I don't know what that means, but if that ring is so important I must take special care of it when I'm told what my responsibilities are. Lily Putian Skirt Apprentice Reporter and Official Lady of the Ring. It's got a nice ring to it doesn't it.

Lily Putian Skirt signing out, for I cant take the excitement anymore.

I think it's nap time.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Un-Dating Un-profile of the Day: A true story

The year -- 1977
The date -- November 7th
Time -- 6:30 pm
Location:Grande Prairie
Reason: Hungry as hell
After spending an entire day traveling, one tends to get quite hungry. There is always the unknown factor when you enter a town you have never been to, namely, where to eat. It's not like you can pick up a local paper and go to the food critic review and select a quaint restaurant from the article. Small towns don't operate that way. You just drive around and pick a restaurant that "looks" good. And that's exactly what we did. We (I) picked a restaurant named Corona Pizza. I thought we might as well get right to the Italian and try it, cuz if it aint any good we aint stayin in this town.
So in we went.
Stomach growling.
And we sat.
A waitress approached.
I went numb.
I didn't know why, but numb from head to toe I went. All I could do was stare into the waitress' eyes. Was it her light auburn hair, or was it her light blue eyes, or was it her smile that made me go lala in the cabbage? Or was it the uniforms all the waitresses were wearing? The uniforms were solid black tops and a long, right-to-the-floor pleated black skirt. When a waitress stood still, they took on a slight resemblance of a Catholic Nun, but when they walked it was quite different. The wide pleats in the skirt would completely close when standing still, but when they walked, the pleats would open right up. The inside of the pleat was white, so their stride would create the effect of a fan opening and closing. A really different visual for a uniform, but that still wasn't what made me go gaga. It was the auburn-haired waitress that stood before our table that was now getting a little irritated by the fact that I couldn't seem to tell her my order. I finally did place my order and watched my catholic-nun-waitress in the fan-opening-habit-uniform work her section. She appeared to float effortlessly as she went from table to table and her uniform went from solid black to fully opened black and white with an almost musical rhythm.
Then the bill came.
In horror, I thought it just can't be over so quickly. We paid the bill and started to leave the restaurant and I can remember the words, "Okay, lets hit the road, we've got a long way to go yet." In sheer panic, I offered that we should get a room and maybe get a fresh start in the morning. The idea was readily accepted, and I was equally relieved for I had no intentions of continuing our trip.

The year -- 1977
The date -- November 18th
Time -- 10:30 pm
Location: Grande Prairie
Reason: Running out of funds

Grabbed the bar float from the office, and proceeded to open the bar for my first shift. Only eleven days in Grande Prairie and I was so broke I had to find work quickly. It must have been the fact that I had been dining every day at Corona Pizza, that I ran out of funds so quickly. A few of those dining nights, I was lucky enough to be sat in her section. And yes, if you must know, I went numb from head to toe every time she served me.

The year -- 1977-78
Date Range: December to June
Time -- After bar closing
Location: Corona Pizza
Reason: I'll let you guess

I got to make a few friends while working in the Ol' Park Hotel bar. I worked nights full time now. As a rule, all the staff would get together after closing and go for a few cocktails and a bite to eat. Donna, the proprietor of the Corona, would take phone orders for last call from bar staff all over town so the staff could come eat and let their hair down after a long night slinging drinks. I would always try to get the staff to sit in her section if she was working. Most of the time it worked, unless some staff got there earlier and already selected a table. Thank God for good tippers, because that's how I was able to go night after night just to get weak in the knees by being served by her. Though, I never let her know it.

The year -- 1978
Date Range: Mid-June
Time -- 10:30 am
Location: Park Hotel Bar
The regular day shift bartender was off on holidays so I got to open the bar for two weeks. It was quite routine to set out juices for drinks, stock beer shelves, make waitress floats, and all the little tasks to do before a bar can open its doors. It was a usual and routine Wednesday morning that the lobby door opened, and she walked in. I stopped right in my tracks as she proceeded to walk up closer and closer to the bar. What would I say to her? We weren't even open yet, so I couldn't just tell her to leave and wait till we open up. My head was spinning with fear and then she spoke. "Can I get a float, please?" she asked, but I didn't hear for I was frozen in place. "Can I get a float?" she repeated.
"Um, um, why?" I stammered then though to my self, 'Stupid Frank. Stupid. Just hold it together.'
"I'm the opening waitress today. Didn't you check the schedule?"
"Um. Um. No, I forgot to," I said, but thought almost out loud, 'YES!! There is a God. YES!!'
"I'm Lola."
"Frank," I said really nervously. I realized that I had been keeping such a low profile in Corona that she didn't even know my name. And I never knew hers, for I was reluctant to ask her or anyone else just to keep my interest in Lola from getting around the rumor mill, or just flatly rejected by Lola. But for a day, I'm in sheer Heaven.

The year -- 1978
Date Range: Mid-June to Mid August
Time -- Too numb to tell time
Location: Park Hotel Bar and Corona
The waitress schedule rotated between evenings nights and weekends. There was many nights that Lola and I would close the bar together. Corona was the bar staff haunt after work, and all closing staff would go. I would always go if Lola was closing with us. Now, instead of weaseling my way into her section, I would try to weasel a seat beside Lola. Not an easy task with an average of 12 staff on weekends heading for after hour cocktails and eats. Most of the time, I'd get lucky and get the golden seat. After time, we would split a cab home and I would drop her off, and head home myself after Corona. Sometimes we would leave the Park and go to the Corona by cab right after close and beat the staff there (it would ensure the golden seat award). Neither Lola or I drove or even had a license to drive, so she thought it was quite a natural suggestion to cab it to Corona even though it was only one block away from the hotel.

The year -- 1978
Date: September 19
Time -- After the Bar, but before the Corona
Location: Front Seat of Swan Taxi
Cab Fare: $60.00 plus tip

The Canfor Forest Product plant was just the other side of Bear Creek which ran north-south about two blocks away from the hotel. It has a massive crane that unloads semi logging trucks in one grab and places the logs neatly onto a huge pile. The pile is about four city blocks long and as high as a four or five story building. The log pile caught fire today. The fire was enormous. Water bomber planes were called in to help douse the flames which flared over 100 feet high. People on both sides of Bear Creek stood on their houses with garden hoses watering their roofs for fear that their houses would catch from the falling embers. It was closing time, and I called a cab to go to Corona, but I had a detour in mind. We drove across the bridge and parked close to the fire and watched and talked. Lola and I were both in the front seat with Lola in the middle. Garret, the cab driver which we had gotten to know over all our trips from the hotel to Corona Pizza, just sat their watching the fire with us, and probable listening to us.
It must have been the fire and the dancing flames that I got up enough nerve to pop the question. No, not that question. I asked the 'pre-question' which was, "Lola, if I asked you to marry me, would you even consider it?"
She said, "I would think about it."
That was all I needed.
We finally took the cab home for now Corona was completely closed. I dropped Lola off at her home and I went on my way. I paid Garret the fare of 60 buck plus a substantial tip because of what we just put him through. Usually the fare from the Park to the Corona was $2.70 plus tip.

The year -- 1978
Date : September 20
Time -- After the Bar, but before the Corona
Location: Front Seat of Swan Taxi
Cab Fare: $80.00 plus tip

The fire had been raging for two solid days with no signs of waning. Embers were falling from the sky like burning meteors. I called the cab after work. We parked at the same location both in the front seat with Garret. We watched, and talked, and watched and talked some more. The fire was truly amazing and mesmerizing, but not as mesmerizing as Lola. I asked. Yes right there in the front seat, I asked Lola to marry me.
She said, "YES!"

Then we invited Garret to the wedding.

The year -- 1978
Date : October 21
Time -- Late evening
Location: Lola's Home
Reason: I had 2 suitcases

There was no real reason, I just couldn't take not being with Lola any longer. I packed 2 suitcases. I called a cab and headed to Lola's home. I didn't give in much thought at the time, I just new I needed to leave. I arrived at her home and knocked on the door. Lola's mother came to the door and answered the knock--in Polish. I didn't know at the time that Lola's parents could not speak fluent English. Lola came to the door and talked to her mother in Polish. Lola's mother let me in. I know that Lola was in a state of shock, but brought me downstairs anyway. Lola's mother and father were now in the kitchen, and both shook my hand and welcomed me in very broken English. I've never felt more welcomed.

The year -- 1978
Date: November 11 Canadian Rememberance Day
Time -- 2:00 pm
Location: Court House
Reason: Wedding Day

It was a small ceremony, followed by a small family reception and party. It couldn't have been more perfect. Garret came too.

The year -- 2003
Date : August 25
Time -- Early afternooon
Location: Frank and Lola's Home
Reason: We heard planes--lots of planes.

Just a few weeks shy of exactly 25 years to the day, the Canfor wood pile caught fire again. What was a husband to do? It was Karma. We got into the car (Lola got her license, but I didn't) and we went and parked right where we parked 25 years earlier and watched the fire. It was a perfect anniversary gift. It was Karma and I didn't start it. Garret moved away years earlier or we probably would have picked him up too.

The year -- 2009
Date Range: present
Time -- Early morning
Location: Kindersly

Lola and I are quickly going on our 31st anniversary. Kids have moved away. And after all this time, Lola and I have never been on a date--we just got married. Love is a funny thing isn't it? I'm still numb from head to toe.....

Monday, August 17, 2009

Just had to play too!

Yep, I've been away too long from the blogosphere. I've missed you all very much. There is no better way to poke my nose back in the arena than to play one of my favorite games--Dating Profile Comebacks, created by Mimi Lenox. She's a Queen you know--really!

Are you up for the challenge? Take a look at these seven dating profile headlines from real dating sites. Imagine you are trying to find a date and these gems have just landed in your inbox. How would you respond to them? Write a comeback response to each one. Be sarcastic, be funny, be brave! Spelling errors not my own. Names and locations have been changed to protect the terminally single. If you need inspiration, go HERE for hundreds of funny examples.

1. Birdbrain looking for a mate

I'm guessing that cock will never crow!

2. Where Are All The Bad Girls?

Catholic School, duh!

3, A Good Woman Is Hard To Fine

Just put your badge away and pay the bar tab will ya!

4.Does God Know You've Escaped From Heaven?

No, but I did find Jesus. I found him in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.

5. I Put the Fun in DysFUNctional

And I switched the Cialis with Salt Peter--My bad

6. Does this profile make me look fat?

Stop using Plenty-of-Fish and switch to eHarmony. Their questionnaires will take off 20 pounds and 10 years off your profile, guilt free, guaranteed!

7. I'm a no nonsince person with little tolorrance for stupitity

Did you know the square root of sixty-nine is 8 something? I see, you're not a mathematician either huh?

That was way too much fun...Thanks Mimi

I just thought I'd share a little but of Lily's latest with you too.
Lily at the Fair

Lily and TacoMy Baby
Time just flies doesn't it.

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Adventure Begins: The Prequil

If you are going to talk about going on an adventure, I guess you should start way before the adventure begins. It was a very busy year for Foxxfyrre -- hence the lack of blog posting, but he continually went about his daily routine. Starting a new position, after 25 years of working the Honk'n'Holl'r, added its own dimension of stresses to Foxxfyrre's happy-go-lucky-cave-dwelling-lifestyle. The change in career and employment was a good one, but there still seemed to be something missing. What was missing? Foxxfyrre was unsure of what, but made no-never-mind of it. Once Foxxfyrre is committed to something, he stays committed (or is that should be committed?), for Foxxfyrre is the type of cave dweller that will give his all, or a reasonable stonesimilie of giving it all.

The nagging sense of something missing continued to fester somewhere within Foxxfyrre's psyche. Even his lovely Lola was noticing it in him, and sharing those same something-is-definitely-missing feelings within herself. It had been almost two years since their little cavemonkey Jodi had left the cave with little Lily, but thanks to Microstone's CaveCam, Foxxfyrre and Lola always got to see Jodi and Lily on almost a nightly basis. It was only a matter of time for Foxxfyrre's eldest cavemonkey, Jason, would also pack himself up and leave the cave, off to start adventures of his own. Now Foxxfyrre and Lola found themselves to be empty-cavesters. This was definately a different experience for both Lola and Foxxfyrre, but even for that empty cave feeling, it still wasn't exactly what seemed to cause that nagging of something is missing

Time passed on and Foxxfyrre and Lola went about their daily routine ignoring that something missing by staying very busy. Foxxfyrre's new career was very demanding on his time, but he plugged and plodded along with it. On one work day that seemed like all the others, a bird fell from the sky and it started. It wasn't really a bird, it was a phone call that Foxxfyrre recieved at work. An old friend and manager from years long gone called (we'll call him Trogg) to tell Foxxfyrre that he had relocated and started his own new career course as a General Manager of a hotel. Foxxfyrre was glad for him, but then Trogg dropped the other club. He needed Foxxfyrre's help. Foxxfyrre was pleased that Trogg had thought of him, but he felt that there was nothing he could do to help Trogg. Trogg's hotel was quite a distance away, and relocating would put Lola and Foxxfyrre even farther away from their lost cavemonkeys.

Foxxfyrre went back to the cave after work that day still elated for Trogg and the request for Foxxfyrre's help. He immediately told Lola the good news about Trogg and what he had requested. It was at that moment as Foxxfyrre looked into Lola's eyes, that they both realized what that something missing was. It was something so simple, it was hard to fathom that it could evade either of them for so long. That-simple-something-missing-feeling-that-evaded-Foxxfyrre-and-Lola was simply this:


Yes! It was that simple. Foxxfyrre and Trogg had a long working relationship together. Trogg was always a motivator, promoter, instigator-of-fun, and one heck of a good guy to work with. Trogg opened many nightclubs through his career, and Foxxfyrre worked in most of them with Trogg. When Trogg did leave the area, Foxxfyrre managed the last nightclub that Trogg opened at the Honk'n'Holl'r for nearly 10 years and enjoyed every minute of it right up until it closed five years ago. Since then, work had become just that--work. No matter how many promotions or changes in career direction that Foxxfyrre went through, it was still just work. Lola and Foxxfyrre spent the rest of that night eagerly planning what was to come next. If anything else, as new empty-cavesters, Lola and Foxxfyrre found themselves with a new freedom and flexibility that they never had before. And they were both up and eager for a new adventure. It was the very next morning that Foxxfyrre gave Trogg a call to find out more details and what he needed to do to help. Trogg mentioned that the night club in his hotel was currently closed and said that something had to be done fast to reopen it, and he wanted Foxxfyrre to help design and manage it.

Within three weeks Foxxfyrre found himself on one of these

And the adventure begins!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Work Pressures

Oh!! The pain. One of the many duties that I do have to perform is attend Bridal Fashion Shows. This years was a success with over 600 blushing brides, and impatient grooms going from booth to booth for just the right touch or deal for their wedding. I have attended quite a few shows and manned my booth and did the smiley thing with the brides. This years was a little different, as a rough guess, I would say that almost 80% of the young brides were heavy with child. Every time I asked a bride when the big day was, I wasn't sure if she was going to give me their wedding date or her due date.
I don't remember it being that cold of a summer....Next year I think I'll open a Shot-gun booth at the Bridal Show. I'll make a freaking fortune!!!


Friday, January 23, 2009

S. E. R. V. I. C. E.


As many of you know, I've been in the hospitality industry almost my entire career. The one thing that is instilled from the very beginning is service. I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

State, City & County Public 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. Bam!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.


I hope you are as enlightened as I am.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Movie Blender

So, sue me. Somebody botched things up in the editing room. All of the current projects got mixed up due to a shipping accident from the studio to editing room. As promotional manager for Foxxfyrre Studios, I've done the best I could to patch up this mess with little time to due it. First run trailers are due tomorrow. It's not like I'm not used to all nighter's. I just hope the editor's have sorted the dailys properly.
Hmm. I only have four trailers here, there was supposed to be eight. Let's see what they've done so I can get the narrative written for the trailers. I guess, I might as well start. Run it Lola!

Trailer Narrative #1

A young married couple struggles with the pressures of looking after Gilbert's dysfunctional family. His Mother an overweight, overbearing, bedridden recluse. His brother autistic and difficult. Can they survive the pressure, or does a growing dependence on alcohol threaten their marriage in later years.

Tagline: You want a nice Merlot with your McDonnald's Ma?

Trailer Narrative #2

Meet the Janes. Three attactive young middle American ladies that made their way to New York to find fame and fortune on Broadway but to no avail. Failed relationships, intrusive mothers, and other pressures lead them to enlist to become the only women to enter training for the Navy Seals. Can they get past basic training? Will their drill instuctors break their will? Or will the power of the dolls break them first.

Tagline: Get down and give me 10

Trailer Narrative #3

Everyone's favorite cheerleader is at it again. Finally having raised enough money to enter the foreign student exchange program, Debbie and the gang make it to London. From Fish and Chips to Beefeater's -- and we don't mean the gin -- the girls tumble and split their way through Foggy Town. But they're not the only Americans in London, and after frolicking through their first full moon in England, we will see if Debbie will ever want to do it doggy style ever again!

Tagline--My what a big nose you have.

Trailer Narrative #4

The brain sucking, chest bursting Alien Queen has evaded Ripley and made her way to earth! East L.A. to be exact, and her first contact on Terra Firma is none other than our favorite pot heads Teech and Thong. Will her instincts prevail and spawn a race of predators bent on brain feasting Southern California, or will Teech and Thong just give her a good case of the munchies.

Tagline: Put down that roach, you bitch.

I wonder what editing did with the other four trailer's? I quess we'll just have to run with these.


Thursday, January 01, 2009

The "Cocky" Swan

The Swan

The many years that I spent working in and around bars, I have always had lots of fun and heard many a yarn or two. Most of the time I would listen, add my two cents, or throw in a zinger to either get the subject changed, stop an argument, or just to have my own fun (at the patrons expense, of course).
A few years ago, I had the pleasure of having two attractive young ladies sitting at my bar and both women were getting happy and a little daring in their conversation. They were both in their early twenties, and proud of being young and "trendy". They started talking about their secret hidden tattoos and piercings, and the advantage that these items bring to the boudoir. The ladies knew that I was paying attention to I was ignoring their conversation, and I think that they were purposely trying to get a reaction out of me. We'll call these ladies B and the other R.

B: And I just got a new ball for my tongue ring, my BF says that it has doubled his pleasure.
R: My BF got a new spikey ball for his, and I'll say it has really doubled my pleasure that's for sure.
B: Last year I got a little 'one-way' arrow tattooed just below my navel pointing -- I think you know where. At least my BF doesn't need a map anymore.
Frank: (giggle)
R: At least you didn't have to get one on your lower back saying "No Entry"
Frank (giggling, again): I just got a new swan tatoo.
B: Do we need to guess where?
R (to B): Bartender thinks he's a long neck -- If you know what I mean.
Frank (to R): Sometimes.
B and R (together): Sometimes?
Frank: Yeah. Sometimes it says SASKATCHEWAN.

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