Monday, August 27, 2007

Mimi's Dating Challenge Meets Ann 'n' Ominus

Every Saturday, Mimi Lenox posts her Dating Comeback Challenge. When I play this game, I usually add the element of playing the Bachelor and throw in a sour grapes type line back at the comeback line. Not this round though, I decided to play the game as my 'character' Ann of my comic Ann 'n' Ominus. Ann has a problem with her inside and outside voices. She can't always keep them in check. Ominus will be the Bachelor for all the profile snippets, and we'll see what Ann may have really been thinking of her bachelor?

1. The Judge

2. The Wishful Thinker

3. The Drone

4. The Critic

5. The Italian Schmalion

6. The Realist

7. The Farm Boy

8. The Doc.

9. The Condiment Man

10. The Scholar

Tie Breaker
The Hopeless Romantic

-----------Go Gem!------------

Cheering Squad Assignment
Inspirational Writing Quotes.

A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket. ~Charles Peguy

I try to leave out the parts that people skip. ~Elmore Leonard

Writing became such a process of discovery that I couldn't wait to get to work in the morning: I wanted to know what I was going to say. ~Sharon O'Brien

Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass. ~Anton Chekhov

"It was a dark and stormy,...," no wait,
"It was the best of times, it was the worst,....," no, just a sec,
"Of man's first disobedience,...,
" damn, I'll get it,
"It was love at first sight,...," okay, I give, breathe,
"Every day I would attend the church gardens....," there, finally, a beginning I can call my own. Now what? ~Frank Sirianni

---------Go Gem!----------

Foxxfyrre's: When I was young, I used to think that [blank]

For those of you that love to do memes, here's a simple one. Just fill in the blank above with something that you used to think was right as a child, but were later to find out that you were absolutely wrong. And explain why you thought that way. Do as many as you like (or can remember--most of us try to forget these little things), but have fun with it.

1. When I was young, I used to think that dogs were male and cats were female. Dogs like German Shepards, Labradors, Collies, St. Bernards, all seemed to be big and burly like I thought a man should be. But cats always seemed to be feminine to me. I really couldn't figure out an Afghan or a highly do-ed up poodle. I just thought the owners were being really mean to the dogs, or they just didn't know dogs the way I did. "Go put pompoms on your Persian."

2. When I was young, I used to think that I would never get married or have any children. My mother was a nurse, so most of the reading material around the house was nursing books. My first picture book was Grey's Anatomy. So, being the smart ass, I thought I knew everything about sex too. I knew the names of all the parts. I'd tell and correct everyone at school who though babies came from storks, cabbage patches, or other tales because I knew better. Or so I thought. I was never going to put one of those....y' know...vagina things. I really wasn't sure if I was going to lose it, if it was going to break off. And if I did, would it grow back like the tails on some lizards I read about. It didn't grow back on some dogs (see # 1 above). I wasn't going to take that chance or risk the pain. Boy, am I glad puberty cleared up that little misunderstanding.

3. When I was young, I used to think that Barbara Eden's Jeanie was real, and boy did I want one for myself. Looking back now, I realize that Barbara Eden was my first crush (I still get a little sweaty when I see someone wearing similar attire). When I managed our night club, I ran a Halloween party based on your favorite TV character. I showed up as a female red-headed Jeanie--and I'm never ever going to shave that much of me again. When I do something, I do want to be as authentic as possible. The shaving wasn't bad, the growing back part was a bitch. In a round about way, that silly show about a Jeanie and an Astronaut really perked my interest in science. When "I Dream of Jeanie" was in reruns Star Trek came out, then I was really hooked on science, and science fiction. Still am hooked. Thank you Barbara.

I'm tagging the blogoshpere, I don't want to leave anyone out.

I just received this email this morning:

Dog Diary
0800 – Dog food!!! My favorite thing!!!
0830 – Major dump on neighbor’s front lawn!!! My favorite thing!!!
0930 – A car ride!!! My favorite thing!!!
0940 – A walk in the park!!! My favorite thing!!!
1030 – Got rubbed and petted!!! My favorite thing!!!
1200 – LUNCH!!!!! My favorite thing!
1215 – Nap!! My favorite thing!!!
1300 – Played in the yard!! My favorite thing!!!
1500 – Wagged my tail and got petted again!! My favorite thing!!!
1600 – Looked pathetic and got milk bones! My favorite thing!!!
1900 – Got to play ball!! My favorite thing!!!
2000- WOW!!! Watched TV with my people!!! My favorite thing!!!
2230 – Walked in back alley – sniffed every pile of turds and peed on every one of them!! My favorite thing!!!
2300 – Sleeping on the bed!! My favorite thing!!!
Life is good.

Cat diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while other inmates and I are fed hash of some kind or dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once vomited on the carpet and shit under the bed. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its bloody and headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear in their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what evil I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards! There is some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies”. I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try again tomorrow – but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell so he is safe … For now.

It was just a little too timely (see # 1 above) not to share.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

It's working! It's working!

One full week without the internet. I've had a net presence since 1985, but wow, when, I mean-how did that little band of optic fibre become so important to me. I felt absolutely naked without it. I've been on computers for so long, but until this past year, I could live without it. I could do my work, maybe play a game or two, draw a lot with my graphic tablet, even write a program if I got the urge to play with C++. This past week has been torture. Sneaking computer time at work to check my RSS feeds and email.
At home, I got so frustrated looking at a dead ASDL modem that I decided that I'd start some computer maintenance. So, I brought up
defragmenter and ended up watching it for the whole two hours it took for all those blue and red bands to sort themselves out. I just kept thinking that all this money on my desk and all I have is an automated
deck of cards that won't even let you cheat.

My only explanation for this sense of loss has to be blogging, and the best circle of blogging buddies anyone could have. This past year, and a bit, has been wonderful. Even though work pressures and time constraints limits the amount of actual posting I do--I probably have the worlds record amount of inlops [incomplete blog posts] siting in draft---I feel like the luckiest blogger in the world for the friends that I have connected with. And for that, I thank you.


Ten Lies my Mother Told Me

Mimi Lenox tagged me with her "Ten Lies My Mother Told Me" Meme. If this meme is not completed in due time, my get out of Bloggingham Castle's Dungeon free card might expire. Join me on this trip through the ages, from the earliest 'lies' I can recall, through the teenage years, to marital advice.

1. Don't put that money in your mouth the dog peed on it.
It's one of the few lies I've used on my kids. It works even if you don't own a dog.

2. If you don't get off the counter, you won't have to worry about falling and breaking your neck. I'll do it.
I knew this just had to be a lie, because I knew mom would not let me go hungry.

3. If you don't stop it you'll go blind.
I'm almost 48, never stopped it, and I still have my 20/20's, but I'll leave the what I was supposed to stop up to your imagination.

4. Always point the head of your bed towards magnetic north, and she will never complain of having a headache.
--Googled headache-free woman, ggg. Just kidding, really. No, really!---

5. There is no Premenstrual Syndrome. PMS really stands for Pithy Male Stupidity. Men just ask a lot of really stupid questions, and do stupid things on a regular basis a few days a month. (The latter is probably true though).

6. If you are right, say so and prove it. Back up your point with facts and references. She'll understand and see your point.
You did meet Lola, didn't you Mom?

7. If you were not successful in proving that you were right, give her a foot rub and bubble bath it will help get your point across.
Nope. Definitely not. Foot rubs and bubble baths just helps women with the 'Three R-s: Re-Charge, Re-Focus, Re-Attack',
especially if a man dares bring up the subject again during bath time, AND most of us men are now too busy popping bubbles and playing hide the face cloth, THEREFORE we are now happily distracted and have completely lost our focus. Most men probably won't even remember what their point was. So men, go ahead with foot rubs and bubble baths when you have no point to prove.

8. It's okay to retry proving your point the next morning if you weren't successful the night before. She's had time to think about it and is more willing to see your point now.
I think my mother may have been related to Lady Macbeth. Hmmm? If memory serves me well, I'm sure I watched her scrubbing her hands mumbling, "Out damn'd spot! out, I say!" Hmmm?

9. It'll be worth in in the end, because make-up sex is always the best.
No matter how much fun make-up sex can be, if you follow #6, #7, and #8 a few times, make-up sex can be a really, really long wait.

10. Women forget over time, we just can't stay mad forever.
Note to Mom. After convincing me to follow your wise counsel, they sure as hell can stay mad forever.

But the one fact of life Mom didn't lie to me about

Cheering Squad Update

Date: Monday August 27
Assignment: Human Pyramid

Just kidding. I know, if you are anything like me, a human pyramid is just simply...well...absolutely out of the question. So, the president has devised another plan for Monday, August 27. And the assignment is simple, google to find a good or funny quote about writing or becoming an author. You may even have a favorite quote. Even write your own quote from your own writing (or blogging) experiences and place it as a comment on the latest post on Gale's blog on August 27th.
I bet you thought I was going to make the squad do the splits, or flips in the air, or something just as painful. As president, I won't ask any member of the squad do anything that I can't do myself. It just wouldn't be cheerleader like ya know.

Okay, Okay, Mom always said if I didn't stop it, I'd go blind for...
sitting too close to the boob-tube...What were you thinking? Shame.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

My Internet Died

My internet died!!!!!

Now all I get is this boring Western movie.

I have been offline since Sunday Something went hairy. The nice gentleman at Telus was able to get the internet working for me for the day, but I decided that I would upgrade my ASDL connection. I asked the gentleman for the sturdiest, fastest, wireless, able to do dishes, and able to rapidly change the thermostat to keep up with Lola's ever changing environmental needs, internet connection they could supply. He offered what he called The Ultimate Broadband. I took it. He told me that it would take a week to get the new equipment to my northern cave by dogsled (dogsleds are are really hard to pull when there is no snow, poor huskies). He didn't mention that he would disconnect my old line right away. I didn't ask. I thought there would be no disruption in service. I'm at work sneaking this post in-shhh! I should have everything back to normal by the weekend.

I will have more updates for the cheering squad this Monday, and I am welcoming a couple of new cheerleaders--Yeah! Go Gale Go!

I'll be back as soon as my new internet connection is up and running.


Blog Buddies

Please wait

Till Then

The Mills Brothers

(doo-doo-doom) (doo-doo-doom) (doo-doo-doom)
(doo-doo-doom) (doo-doo-doom) (doo-doo-doom)

Till then, my darling[s], please wait for me
Till then, no matter when it may be
One day I know I'll be home again
Please wait (till) till then

Our dreams will live though we are apart
Our love will always stay in our hearts
Till then, when of the world will be free
Please wait for me

Although there are oceans we must cross and mountains that we must climb
I know every gain must have a loss, so pray that our loss is nothing but time

Till then, we'll dream of what there will be
Till then, we'll call on each memory
Till then, when I will hold you again
Please wait till then (ooh)


Friday, August 10, 2007

Ever Ready???

(Just a little one I had to share.)

I'm A Doctor and a Gentleman

Dan went to see the urologist. "Don't laugh," he told the doctor.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I am a professional. In more than 20 years I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," Dan said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the teeniest willie the doctor had ever seen. It was smaller than an AAA battery (EhEhEh battery in Canada, Eh).

The docor started giggling, then laughing hysterically. He had to leave the examination room. Five minutes later he regained his composure and returned. "I'm sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Dan replied

Introducing Comment Mania
But, you'll have to go to comments to find out.
***Content Warning****

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

New Date Rape Drug Warning

Attention Men: The New Date Rape Drug Called "Beer"

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from "taps" and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex, once payment of an item called a tab is completed by the male.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with these predatory women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Um....It seems the Honk'n'Holl'r news feed is experiencing technical difficulties in its image processing department. Please bear with us as we sort this out.

"Lola I said google a picture of a 'Happy' Wedding."

"That's much better Lola. Thanks."

Thanks for bearing with us, and it's back to our regularly scheduled post.

Please! Alert every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

This has been an emergency Blogcast of the Honk'n'Holl'r News NetWork, Foxxfyrre reporting....You have now been told.

"Lola, we met in a bar didn't we? Lola, didn't we....Lola?"
"Yeah, I was the waitress, you were the bartender...Remember?!!"
"Umm....There's no way to fix this one is there Honey?"

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Things You Shouldn't Say Around [BLANK]

Placed #35!!!

Just got results back from Bobby Griffin's new endeavor at The Blankest Blank. The Honk'n'Holl'r came in 35th place for Best Blog of the Year! I'm pleased as punch about it for the entries are all very good quality blogs. Many of which are my frequent haunts. My Congrats to all, and my thanks to all that voted for my little H'n'H blog. Good luck Bobby with this new endeavor.

Cheering Squad Update

Gale Martin has been doing great with her novel. Her manuscript is now up to 71 pages. A few people have wondered how you get into the cheering squad. Well, there is no rules or snooty cheerleaders pointing their fingers and noses at new candidates. All I need is a Go Gem! in my comment section and you're in. I either email, or post some type of kudos for Gale on behalf of the whole squad every Monday. So anyone who wants to join in and light a little fire under Gale's black satin undies and white short clad derriere just Holl'r Go Gale!

Those of you who do frequent Gale's Blog, are probably very familiar with the quirky comments that I do leave on most of her posts like the following:

Phheewwwww! I almost put out an amber alert out for Gem.

Extra! Extra! The Underwood kidnapped Gem

I've always had the visual of an author sitting at a polished mahogany desk in front of a manual Underwood typewriter with a sticky 'e' key. To the right is large, neatly placed pile of fresh white paper and a smaller stack of double spaced written pages placed face down to the left of the typewriter. Beside the desk, an overflowing black wire waste basket full of crumpled white pages with a few crumpled pages lying about the basket. I know it's a stereotype, but it still is a good visual.

Besides, those old Underwoods were evil, even possessed. Sitting there glaring at it's operator smiling it's steel toothy smile like that of the ivory filter teeth of a sperm whale ready to suck its operator in as if he were mere plankton. Banging out its gunshot bang at every key press as if it's announcing I-'-m---g-o-n-n-a---g-e-t---y-o-u-!

How can you tell I learned to type on an Underwood? Evil, evil things they are.

Funny--now my computeeer's eeeeee keey is sticking

2:25 PM

Gale Responded with:
An Amber alert? Frank you are too funny. I love your anthropomorphic Underwood. Where's your novel, Frank? You should be banging one out, too, since your creative juices are flowing like water over Niagara Falls. (Okay the Canadian side of the falls.) Thanks for checking up on me. You and Linda are too good to me.
So, what's the President of the Cheering Squad supposed to do but accept the challenge.
I won't be writing a novel, but I am making an honest attempt at a short story called "The Possession of Joshua Banks," and I'm adding to it every day. I'm not a writer, so this adventure should prove interesting. Editing it is as I go is going to be the fun part. I started a new blog called Shortness of Breath and Prose, where I am posting the story as I write it. I have also posted other original short stories on that blog. So, please check it out when you can.


Foxxfyrre's: Things you Shouldn't Say Around [Blank]
Okay, it's a meme too. But it's a short and fun one to let your creative juices out and poke fun at your favorite [blank] thing.
Rules are simply fill in the [blank] in "Foxxfyrre's: Things you shouldn't say around [Blank]", and write at least eight phrases you shouldn't say around your [blank]. To make it intersting, when you tag someone, go to their memes and add a phrase using their [blank] topic. Send your list of 5 tags back to the person that tagged you so they can follow and play with their [blank] topics also.

Things you shouldn't say around Zombies!
  • Do you want to keep and eye on the kids.
  • Lend me a hand.
  • That stain just needs a little elbow grease.
  • You'll stick your nose anywhere won't you.
  • It's just a hang nail.
  • How about a little tongue?
  • What? Cat got your tongue.
  • He puts his best foot forward.
  • She gives great head.

I tag Mimi, Bud Weiser, Lizza, Ian, and Gale (and I know she's busy but)


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