On the run. Hunted, relentlessly. Framed by
a One Legged Man that stole his Memes. Will he avoid capture? Will he
find the thief that framed him? Or is a life in the dungeon facing
daily torture and *ahem* haute quisine all that the Fates have to offer
him. Follow along as Foxxfyrre: The Fugitive of Blogginham finds odd
blogjobs to stay alive and his efforts to clear his name to eventually
return to his happy but humble life as Foxxfyrre the Serf.
Working in the Bloggingham library was much harder than it seemed. The memes that are collected propagate faster than rabbits on Viagra. I swear that by the time a meme is dreamed up and five people are tagged, within a day, it will be five levels deep with tagees to follow up on. How Miss Mimi L. got this far with the meme archives will probably forever be a mystery. On the third day of digging and meme sorting, I did find something rather interesting, but I wasn't sure where it would lead me. In the movie meme archives, I found a meme under the favorite movie categories. The author of the meme was named George and his avatar was just a simple bushy plant. I didn't think it was all that odd to begin with, but then I noticed some of the favorite movie choices. First favorite movie was "Bedtime for Bonzo" starring Ronald Reagan.
"Unusual choice for favorite movie of all time," I thought, giggling aloud. Then I noticed that out of 30 movies that George had listed, eighteen of them starred Ronald Reagan. That just got me too curious. So I started hacking through his profile and domain. I was blocked. This George guy was a user on a protected domain, and ISP provider was also blocked. Hmmm. Time to start getting my real hacking tools out. After about an hour of hitting firewall after firewall, I hit on an address as the sole host for this George as a sole user. The address was www.whitehouseplayroom.gov . I couldn't believe what I was reading. It couldn't really be that president from America that completed a meme, could it? It would explain why he chose to favorite Ronald's movies for the meme. I double checked my results to make sure I hadn't made some error, but it was true. The origin of this meme came from the Private Presidential Playroom at the White House. For about a year now we have read in the Bloggingham Herald that Queen Mimi has been trying to get an audience with President Bush, but Bush hasn't responded to any of her correspondences. He has even made a public announcement that the White House, nor its President will do memes, or 'Mee Meeze' as he pronounces it. But the proof is in the pudding, I had a meme completed by the President of America.
Now that I was logged on to the mainframe at the Presidential Playroom, should I dig deeper? If I got caught, I'd be a fugitive in Bloggingham and America. Curiosity was killing me, I had to dig deeper no matter what the consequences. I found several personal letters, an agenda, several games including; Diablo, Pacman, World of Warcraft, and Prince of Persia. I also found Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing, and Internet for Dummies ebook. I also opened up his IM and searched through his address book. I stopped cold in my tracks. I found the avatar of the One Legged Man in the President's IM address book. Whats worse, is that this One Legged Man was in a group address entitled Current Operatives. The One Legged Man an American Spy? I had to get his real identity, but my every attempt was blocked by the toughest firewall I had ever come across. Not willing to give up, I took down the number for the direct line of the Oval Office, and logged off the President's Playroom Computer.
I had an idea on how to get the real identity of the One Legged Man. It would take some work, but I'm sure I could pull it off. I had dual citizenship in both Bloggingham, and Canada. And when I was younger, I was a member of the Canadian Armed Forces. I knew that using my old forces identification, I could log into SISA and create a false identity as a Canadian Operative. Using this identity, I could then get access to the Central Intelligence Agency of America to put myself on their active list. I knew their computers would not let me hack out the identity of any other operative working within the CIA, but with myself added as an active operative, I could get in touch with the President directly if I said I had valuable mission information. Agent 0077 was born. Those of you who know me would say, why didn't you go for agent 0069. Remember that I am Canadian and 77 is a 69, but in Metric, and you get eight more!
The next morning, I had everything in place. I was now on file with SISA as a Canadian Operative, and I was able to get put on the CIA's Visiting Operative Active List. All that was needed now was to contact the President, and finally find out the identity of my One Legged Meme thief and clear my name once and for all. I had looked through the Presidents agenda, and he would be in the Oval Office from 9:00 a.m. through to noon that day. He had no appointments from 11:00 a.m. until noon, so I thought that would be an appropriate time to make my call. Nervous as hell, I dialed the number, and he answered.
"Hello, President Bush here. Don't waste your dime."
"Hello, Mr. President. This is SISA Operative 0077 on special mission with CIA reporting in with vital recon concerning Operative 181."
"Yes, I have him on special directive for the White House. Is there a problem?"
"Yes, Mr. President, it seems....."
"Sorry to cut you off, but I have to put you on hold. Condaleezza Rice just walked in and it may be important."
"Very good, Mr. President, I'll hold," I said still shaking in my boots from nerves. But President Bush must be technologically deft, because he didn't put me on hold, he accidentally hit the speaker button. Being very, very quiet, I listened to their conversation.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
George: I mean the fellow's name.
George: The guy in China.
George: The new leader of China.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
I was really glad that I did not have a full bladder while listening to this conversation, for I would have broken my silence, and made a mess of my pants. The President then picked back up the phone and said, "Agent 0077, are you still there?"
"Yes, Mr. President, I'm still here."
"Good, please finish your report."
"The recon info I have shows that Agent 181 may be in jeapordy of blowing his cover and endangering his current assignment. The Canadian Consulate broke this info, and has me placed with CIA to retrieve 181, and place a new operative in his place to prevent operation failure. Because he is on White House assignment, I cannot retrieve him without you releasing his cover and mission assignment. CIA is in the dark about 181's mission imperatives."
"Yes, I set out mission directives myself. I currently have him undercover as Dr. Neil Warren."
"Dr. Neil Warren founder of eHarmony?"
"Yes. I have placed him in this postition to start eHarmony in order to save our economy."
"Errr, I'm not sure I follow."
"About a year back, this woman, I think her name is M. Lenox, started this company called Profiles 'R Us, and it has been extremely effective in weeding out deadbeat men looking for relationships with women to eventually marry. This company has been so successful that we now worry that the relationships started by Profiles 'R Us are so fulfilling that we fear the divorce rate will drop dramatically. And you know what that would mean."
"Ummm, I think so."
"It would mean that, if the divorce rate falls too much, the taxes that are levied from divorces will be lost. I'm never going to get Osama if I lose that revenue as well. I had Agent 181 start eHarmony. He has a background in relationship psychology. His mission is to get people together fast by thinking that they are compatible couples. Through his questionnaires, he analyzes which couples would fail in a relationship after time. He only pairs people that their relationships will inevitably fail after a minimum of five years together. This will ensure a high divorce rate quota, and may even increase current divorce trends. With those extra moneys accrued and filtered into..err..ummm.... I will get that damn Osama, I will prevail. I have to have this all in place while I'm still in office before one of those Bleeding-Heart-Family-Unit-is-the-Foundation Candidates take Office. Especially if it is that Clinton woman that gets office, for she will recognize Agent 181. She hired him years ago when Bill was in Office."
"Yes, Hillary hired him as Official White House Headhunter. He was responsible for hiring all White House staff, from maids, cooks, to even Interns. What she didn't know is that Agent 181 was still on my Dad's payroll at the time."
"Well, if your going to start a little political sabotage, you might as well get to the head of the matter," I said and we both laughed. I thanked the President and told him that I would rescue his mission directive and save Agent 181, aka Dr. Neal Warren from discovery.
Agent 181, responsible for the Big Lewinsky Caper, The eHarmony Scam, and now my One Legged Meme theif. I know how to get to you now 181, and I will clear my name.