To all my blog buddies, far and wide, that might consider a Canadian road trip. I love road trips myself, but I just took it upon my self to inform you what you might be up against. I could have titled this post, "Why I don't ever want to drive," but will just consider it a public awareness and safety travel information guide. I much prefer to be a passenger enjoying the sights and not worried about who I'm sharing the road with.
And I am probably the best most patient passenger there is--no back seat, or passenger side driving for me.
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:
(Notice that Montrealler has hand in Honk position even before car is started.)
MONTREAL, QUEBEC
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window:
TORONTO, ONTARIO
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic:
(Access denied??? Seems like the leaders of our nation have photo manipulated any and all Ottawa drivers to appear to come from Moose Jaw Saskatchewan.)
OTTAWA, ONTARIO
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, cradling cell phone, balancing Tim Horton's coffee on knee, foot solidly on accelerator:
Notice back up coffees already in clip!
CALGARY, ALBERTA
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun on lap:
(Photo Unnecessary)
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA driving anywhere in North America
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
SASKATOON, SASKATCHEWAN, but driving in TORONTO, ONTARIO
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat:
QUEBEC CITY, QUEBEC
8. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic:
(Taken after one days commute to work)
VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator throwing McDonald's bag out the window:
RED DEER, ALBERTA
10. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna:
It seems Rocky (above) is making valid suggestions for alternative antenna wear (below).
Well, wouln't you want to save your own tail too?
PRINCE GEORGE, BRITISH COLUMBIA
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on:
(My Bella Nonna late for aquarobics class)
VICTORIA, BRITISH COLUMBIA
12. One ski doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski doo mitt-scraper in hand out front window scraping frost off of windshield, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share the Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection, all while smiling like a Playboy at the car beside them:
WINNIPEG, MANITOBA
So now that you know what to lookout for, have a safe and wonderful Canadian road trip. Love to see you sometime!
TTFN
And I am probably the best most patient passenger there is--no back seat, or passenger side driving for me.
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:
(Notice that Montrealler has hand in Honk position even before car is started.)MONTREAL, QUEBEC
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window:
TORONTO, ONTARIO
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic:
(Access denied??? Seems like the leaders of our nation have photo manipulated any and all Ottawa drivers to appear to come from Moose Jaw Saskatchewan.)OTTAWA, ONTARIO
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, cradling cell phone, balancing Tim Horton's coffee on knee, foot solidly on accelerator:
Notice back up coffees already in clip!CALGARY, ALBERTA
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun on lap:
(Photo Unnecessary)
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA driving anywhere in North America
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
SASKATOON, SASKATCHEWAN, but driving in TORONTO, ONTARIO7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat:
QUEBEC CITY, QUEBEC8. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic:
(Taken after one days commute to work)VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator throwing McDonald's bag out the window:
RED DEER, ALBERTA10. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna:
It seems Rocky (above) is making valid suggestions for alternative antenna wear (below).Well, wouln't you want to save your own tail too?
PRINCE GEORGE, BRITISH COLUMBIA11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on:
(My Bella Nonna late for aquarobics class)VICTORIA, BRITISH COLUMBIA
12. One ski doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski doo mitt-scraper in hand out front window scraping frost off of windshield, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share the Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection, all while smiling like a Playboy at the car beside them:
WINNIPEG, MANITOBASo now that you know what to look
TTFN
9 comments:
Thanks for the warning. The animal in question looks like a possum. I nearly lost my breakfast. Bad memories, Frank, bad memories!!
OOooo, I never thought about that, and I remember your possum experience post. Well, he deserves to lose his tail then! Sorry about your breakfast :(
Maybe now I can start a new environmental movement--Save Our Bunny Tails ggg
Very funny, Frank. I just loved this column. I hope to make it to Canada in the flesh--not just in my book. A fictional visit doesn't really count. Very, very fun post.
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