Monday, January 17, 2011

Letters to.......

This is just a small compilation of letters to.  Some have been written to editors, some have been to CEO's and some (I think have been CC'd to their Mothers?)
Anyway, enough of my diatribe, lets get to the meat.

Just for clarity, I will label the start of each letter with the appropriate Roman Numeral. I will end each letter with the approptriate
************
(I really don't know what you call a row of stars as a separator?)

I.
Dear Iceberg,

Sorry to hear about all the troubles you are going through with global warming.  It seems that the Homo Sapiens are responsible for this with their lust for wasteful and energy consuming demands. I'm not sure that whatever I say to you, at this point, will just fall on deaf ears. But, and there is a but, I was also a by-product of these demands, and as far as I knew, I was the most elite and efficient in my class. All I can say now is --
Karma is a Bitch,

Your acquaintance,

Sincerely,
HMS Titanic
*******************

II.


Dear Mr. Bell,

I know this has arrived posthumously, but I just need to express my frustration as to why didn't you get your S&*T together right from the start?  Why was the rotary dial first? Why did you attach an alphabet sequence to each number?

You obviously had some real planning and engineering behind these decisions, but you just didn't have any patience. You had all the parameters ready for the first messenger service, but you just didn't have the cohonas to spell it out. No, Mr. Bell and all his power just had to speak first. And what was it you said?

"Mr. Watson -- Come here. I want to see you?" 

What? You couldn't dial that message. No, you just had to jump the gun and speak. If only you showed some restraint, for all the years that I used your wonderful technology, I would have dialed every letter of every sentence that I wanted to communicate. But, no you spoke instead. Where does that leave us all now?

Well, many of us that are old enough to remember the rotary dial.  We took our time and poked our fingers in that dial to reach out to friends. And most of this time on the telephone was to our parents despair, because they were always waiting for an important call. In these days there was always only one phone and it was physically mounted in the most public of home spaces -- usually the kitchen.

Could you only imaging what would happen if you just waited. Service centers would actually talk to you, instead of waiting for the correct number prompt and even pressing the 'Pound' or 'Star' and, furthermore,  those automated things even have the nerve to wait patiently if you only have a rotary phone (your initial invention I may add). 

Mall walking injuries would be greatly reduced, for one would phone and talk to the other person instead of trying to type their intentions out on that really small pad and, therefore, falling down escalators, falling into pools and fountains, or bumping (physically) into the person you are really texting (texting is  modern speak for communicating with another through an alphabetic-numeric medium). I'm not even going to get into driving, dating, working, evading bill collectors, or even text confessions.

Yes, there would be real communication between humans if only you had waited and spelled to Mr. Watson that fateful day instead of spoke. Besides, what did you really need him for? Couldn't find the '.' on the dial to spell 'Mr.' could you?
Voicing would be so cool right now, almost as good as 3D Plasma TV with PVR on Demand.

Sincerely,
iPhone

************************
TTFN
This was fun, I will have more letters shortly.
Only 2 letters this time, but I didn't realise that I would have this much fun pretend ranting.
Frank



The Finish The Sentence Meme


The Finish The Sentence Meme
I have been meaning to do this little meme for a while, but as per usual I will do it with my own twist. The unfinished sentences are in larger font and numbered. The twist is I'm using pictures to finish the sentences, and maybe a caption to round it out.

1. My uncle once

This must be every practical joking Uncle's right and every nephew's rite of passage -- or vice versa.

2. Never in my life have I
nuff said

3. When I was five my parents
And I wasn't the only one that was uprooted early one morning and sent to see this Lady. There was a whole bus load of us. They called the place we were all going "Kind of garden," at least I think that's what Mom said,  but I called it Day Jail. When we got there, there sure in heck was no garden.

4. High school was
(That's Blogpicturespeak for Really, really scary)
Until weird chemical things started happening to my body and I discovered
...
...Horror movie script writing 101.

5. I will never forget
 One of my earliest memories, although I didn't understand the significance at the time.


As a class project, we had to do a current affairs report on the war. I stumbled on this photo in the periodical section of the school library. It haunted me then, and still does to this day.


Embedded so clearly in memory.

And the birth of my children, and grand child, which I was the birthing coach for all of them (and a niece as well). I'm so glad it's not the old days where the men were kept busy boiling water.

6. Once I met
Hey, it was the early seventies, and hormones were a raging, so every girl was Raquel at the time. 

7. There’s this boy I
love and am so proud of, my son Jason.

8. Once, at a bar, I


9. By noon, I’m
On my fifth cup. I'm a night owl, I need my go-go-juice!

10. Last night I
I know, I should have been


11. If only I had
Not only would it have been so much fun, but it is something I really should have invented. 
 
12. Next time I go to church I
promise I won't make a toast, or ask for a refill during Communion.
 
13. What worries me most is that
I really believe that they are aliens. It's the only explanation.

14. When I turn my head left I see

15. When I turn my head right I see
It's Canada in wintertime, that's all there is to see!
 
16. You know I’m lying when I
 Really, my Mother used to catch me out every time because I would yawn in the middle of my sentence. Pretty bad liar if I find my own "stories" boring. When I got a little older, I tried to always trip Mom up by only telling lies when I was really tired, but she knew better anyway.


17. What I miss most about the Eighties is
and maybe spontaneous _________. Ahem, I'll let you finish that sentence.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be
and like me always horny -- Sorry, just Puck-ing around.
 
19. By this time next year I
Moving to Quesnel British Columbia. A twenty hour drive to see my Jodi and Lily is just too far.

20. A better name for me would be
Nah, who am I kidding? But I do put the "SEXY" in dyslexic.

21. I have a hard time understanding
 Discrimination
 Injustice
And negativity.
 
22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll
 to the teacher instead of paying too much attention to

23. You know I like you if I
That must have been in another life, but I remember it like...ahh nevermind.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be
 My wife Lola. There has been no one in my life that has ever been as supporting of me, no matter what mistakes I may have made.
 
25. Take my advice, never forget your
Always heed your Mother's advice!!!
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