Monday, November 19, 2007

On the Lamb in Bloggingham

This is themed and continuing post of Foxxfyrre: The Fugitive of Bloggingham. See how it all began!
Post Episodes


Episode One: On the Lamb in Bloggingham

Falsely accused. Imprisoned for what seemed like eons. Tortured and beaten. Escaped the horrors of the dungeon. And now, on the lamb. A fugitive in my own land. I had heard rumors, while imprisoned, that the memes I was accused of neglecting did appear in Blogginham, but were credited to a blogger knowm simply as the 'One Legged Man'.
Framed!
Framed by a fellow Blogger.
My only goal now is to clear my name by finding this One Legged Man, but it won't be easy. Queen Mimi has me listed as a fugitive and Bloggingham Public Enemy Number One.

Running...
running....

running....
is all I can do now.

But I'm keeping my ears to the ground, and I will find this One Legged Man. Never staying in one place too long, I'm finding that I constantly have to change my appearance for Mimi has my likeness plastered everywhere in Bloggingham.

Once an artist, family man, professional hospitality manager, and acclaimed Cheering Squad President, now on the run of my life dodging the Royal Meme Swat Team at every turn. And they're not the only ones on my tail. It seems that everywhere I turn there is this reporter that seems to be just a few steps behind me. I wasn't aware of her tailing me, until I started to find personalized sticky notes that were well hid and placed in areas that I've just recently frequented.

The notes just simply say:

Is she ally or agent? Friend or foe? Of this I'm not sure, but I will play my hand carefully, very carefully. My Bella Nonna always warned me about women in narrow skirts. She say to me, "Iffa you cannotta take a fulla steppa, anna you cannotta lifta you leg to step onna stool to reacha the bigga boiling pot for the bigga spaghetti, becaussa you dress a too tights, dhat'sa notta girl forra you."

It hasn't been that long since the big escape at the Palace, but Queen Mimi has had her swat team just reeling the escapees back in. This was the latest headline from the Bloggingham Herald:

48 out of 50 Escapees Bagged
Foxxfyrre, Bobbarama Still at Large

And at large I plan to stay. But it's the hunger that gets you in no time. A real rock-at-the-pit-of-your-stomach-even-a-Royal-dish-sounds-good type of hunger, and there's no way to get at your personal finances or the Queen will find you by tracking your spending. Oh how I miss my lovely Lola, but contacting family is out of the question. It would put them at too much risk, and I couldn't take the chance that my Cave is under surveillance. The only way to survive is to find odd jobs and have them pay you in cash under the table.

It was while I was travelling through Germany, a Bloggingham suburb, that I noticed a help wanted sign on a small Cafe called Coffee 2 Go. The sign called for a waitress, and being in the hospitality industry for many years, I thought I could disguise myself as a waitress and gain some much needed cash.

The proprietor of Coffee 2 Go was named Sanni. At first she was a little apprehensive in hiring me, I thought that she may have recognized me from all the wanted bulletins, even though I was well disguised. It was later, that I found out that she felt I may have been a little overqualified for a waitressing position--even after I had downgraded my application. After some pleading, and creating a long sob story in order to get paid straight cash, Sanni finally agreed to hire me.

I knew little of Germany, other than it being an elite region of Bloggingham mostly populated by Earls and Lords and other royal off-shoots, but I was determined to blend in. The clientèle of Coffee 2 Go was great, for the most part. Some of the older men could get a little touchy-feelly though. Getting your behind pinched once in a while was a small price to pay, and it is kinda nice to know that even at my age, I still have a pinchable butt. At least I knew my disguise was working. There was a little bit of a language barrier, but mostly people would just point to the items they wanted on the menu. Other times my sense of humor would help, and I'd tell jokes to the regulars like:

Did you hear about the German Lady being raped by ten Italian Soldiers?
She kept yelling "Nein! Nein! Nein!
So one left.

It was my repertoire of little gems like these that helped in not being discovered. People just accepted me as a cute waitress with a pinchable bum named Ruby.

One morning, during a double decalf frappacino special, I had found another note from that reporter at a table I was clearing. The note said,
Foxx, Watch MemeTV-tonight, M.P.S.
Now I was really nervous. I thought that I hadn't been discovered yet, and I thought I lost that reporter weeks ago. What could be on MemeTV that I'd need to watch? I worked the rest of my shift, waringly, and ready to dash at the first sign of being discovered. But it went incident free, and it was almost time to watch MemeTV. Luckily, Sanni was also an avid blogger, so she had already put MemeTV on and I did not have to ask to have the channel changed. About fifteen minutes into the show, there he was...

The One Legged Man accepting an award--My Award! I almost dropped my tray in mid pinch, and excused myself from the table I was serving. The MemeTV studios were not too far from here, and if I caught the #9 el train, I could get to the studio on time, for the award show was filming live. Leaving Coffee 2 Go was difficult. I knew I couldn't go back, and Sanni was very good to me. I couldn't risk being caught, for if the reporter knew where I was, who else may have figured it out.

In less than twenty minutes, I had made it to the studios of MemeTV. Disembarking from the el train, I was very careful on my approach to the studio. This was a Royal event, and I knew there had to be guards of all types around the studio. So I hid and waited. At the main entrance, I noticed a person come out of the main entrance, and I couldn't believe it....

My friend, adopted son by proxy, and dating challenge competitor had become an F.R.A. agent. What could Mimi have done to recruit him? Now I must be doubly careful, for he knows all my haunts, my Honks 'n' my Holl'rs.

Laying in wait for almost three hours near the studio, everyone had left. And there was no sign of the One Legged Man. How could he have slipped away so fast without me seeing him? There was nothing to do now, and no where to go, but keep looking....
and
running......
and keep an eye out...
and an ear to the ground.........
for......

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Sandra Bullock and the Blogginham Redemption

Sentencing was swift. My innocence was of no concern to the court. No appeals. No pleading mercy. No recourse. Just a loud bang of the gavel followed by a dry bellowing voice from just as dry a Judge saying "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!". Sentencing was then passed to the lead juror as if the Judge had washed his hands of the whole proceedings. With a lilting, but matter-of-fact voice, the lead juror read the sentence to the court:



"The Honorable Court of Bloggingham, Her Majesty the Queen Mimi of Meme, Her Loyal Subjects, and the Jurors before the Public of Bloggingham have unanimously found the defendant, Foxxfyrre, Guilty of Meme Neglect in the First Degree. It is hereby decreed that the maximum sentence of Life plus a Month of Sundays without chance of parole or appeal with sentence to be carried out in the depths of Bloggingham Palace's Dungeon. Tortures will be levied out in the form of Daily Rackings, The Iron Butterfly (the band, not the metal thingy), Canings, Cookings by Her Majesty, Purple Nurples, and the occasional Tar and Featherings, sometimes just the Featherings to be determined by the Warden of the Dungeon. So say we all."


Eleven months. Eleven months of tortures, taunts, teases, and ahem *tastes* have been doled out like clockwork. The racking isn't so bad, it does wonders for my sciatica, but 18 hours a day of Inagoddadvita on quadraphonic 33 1/3 LPs with scratches and pops is just hell. What happened to the digital era? A CD? Satelite Radio? Heck, even an eight track cassette player would be magic, but no--it's supposed to be torture. I've even drummed up enough nerve to ask for second helpings at mess just to get them to turn off the background music.

On the bright side though, I have made a few good friends in the dungeon. There are quite a few of us here that have been found guilty of Meme Neglect. And we are all Lifers, and mostly men to boot. Meme Neglect is the most serious of offenses in Bloggingham, and ignorance of the Laws of the Land is not a viable defense. There are others here serving other types of sentences, but they mostly keep to themselves. Us 'Memers', as we have become known, have formed a little social club, and when the guards are asleep, we dabble at a little late night poker.

Our social club would not have happened if we did not get on some of the guard's good side. And that was not an easy task. They couldn't be bribed, they were loyal to a fault, but they did find out that I can cook. Once that was out in the open, I was put to work as dungeon guard chef, but I would not cooperate unless we were allowed some liberties.
(I really do make the best Caesar Salads)
Guards even had me working for their family gatherings.
And sometimes they even let me play with fire.
(Is that Grande Marnier I see on the cart?)

Because of my culinary skills, they agreed to our Friday night 'Socials' and stand guard for us, not over us.

It was during one of these 'Socials' that Bobbarama and I figured we needed to make an escape plan. As much as the dungoen was growing on us, we knew we needed to get out. First we needed to get our hands on the dungeon blueprints.

I was able to convince a guard that I needed to use the computer lab, and library in the dungeon to IM with my lovely Lola. This tactic did not work at first because we are allowed conjugal visits once a month.
(Conjugal visit just before last Christmas--Notice guard on right, always alert!)

And if you look closely at Lola's Tee Shirt, I am now convinced that Mimi has the timing of those conjugal visits planned as well--nasty form of torture I tell you.

I was finally able to get a blueprint of the dungeon, and we planned our escape. Two months in the workings, and we thought we had it beat. We knew the timing of shipments-thanks to my hacking abilities-and decided that we would use the laundry delivery service to escape the dungeon. To make our escape foolproof, I managed to get one of the guards a little intoxicated, and had him remove all the tire valve cores to the Palace's fleet of vehicles. I had him believe that the cores were the wrong size and tires would blow out at speeds topping 25 miles per hour. He managed to flatten all the tires of all of the Palace's vehicles before the effects of overimibing took over him. He fell asleep on one of the racks in the dungeon as I had hoped. All we needed now was the Laundry delivery to be on time, and we had our escape made. The Laundry Service driver was in on our plans, and would have kept us well hidden. Unfortunately, Queen Mimi had a trip planned to a far off, and mysterious land called Con Netty Cut, and discovered the flattened tires of the Royal Limosine. As punnishment, all Memers in the dungeon had a Month of Mondays added to their sentences, and an additional square meal a day. Queen Mimi had heard rumours of an escape plan in the works, so she felt punishment must be swift and harsh.

Undaunted by this setback, I immediately started working on plans for another escape. I had heard somewhere out in the blogoshpere that this man, I think his moniker is Promethious, mentioned something about being able to dig to China with plastic spoons. I knew I didn't need to go as far as China, so I started collecting Bloggingham's fine silver plated plasticware. When we were first imprisoned, and strip searched, all belongings were confiscated, save one personal item which prisoners were allowed to keep. I've had a collector's lifesize signed edition poster of Sandra Bullock which I kept as my personal choice while imprisioned. Little did I know at the time that Sandra would play an integral part in my escape. I think I remember reading somewhere that a poster of Rita Hayworth was used as a cover for a hole dug to escape from a prison cell somewhere in New England. I don't remember where or when I read about this thrilling escape, but I did find a portrait of the mastermind who thought the whole thing up.

My thought was if it worked once it could work again.

Implementation of the plan was underway. Four months of digging and I was able to break through underneath Bobbarama's cell. At this point he was able to assist me with the digging which halved the time to dig the tunnel out from under the Palace.

I can't say it was easy work, but Bobbarama and I kept at it. Six and a half months after starting to dig out of my cell, we were ready for the final implementation of the plan and eventual escape. We set the date of escape for November the 8th. Apparently there was a big hubbub at Bloggingham Palace leading up to November 8th that kept even Queen Mimi herself very busy. The final gala was supposed to take place on November 7th, and Queen Mimi officially declared November the 8th as a day of resting. I figured that if even the Queen would rest on this day, we would not be detected escaping the dungeon.

And the day came, my cell was ready.
Being careful not to damage my Sandra Bullock poster, several Memers sneaked into my cell, and still others were waiting in Bobbarama's. At 8:30 am sharp we headed out of our cells and into the tunnel.
The escape plan did have its faults, but when your life is at stake, and there is no hope or end in sight, you'd be surprised what kind of guano one will wade through for freedom.

It's been several years since that fateful morning, and many of us Memers have managed to keep in contact. Everyone except for Bobbbarama, he seems to have slipped off the face of the earth. He has even become quite the legend.
I wonder?
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Breaking News
Polliwog from Polliwog's Pond stopped in and rated this post Buzzworthy

Thanks Polliwog

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This is the Prologue for a continuing themed post entitled Foxxfyrre: The Fugitive of Bloggingham. Please follow along and watch Foxxfyrre bumble along as he tries to avoid capture and find the One Legged Man that stole his memes.

Post Episodes to Date:


Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I Dream of Comeback Challenge



It's Mimi Lenox's Big Challenge time again. This is round 47 of the challenge. If you don't know the real rules of the game just click here. When I blog about the game I change it up a bit. This week, I just felt a little devilish impish cheeky nostalgic, and thought about some old TV shows and who was considered the most eligible bachelor at the time. Larry Hagman as Major Tony Nelson came to mind--mostly because of my crush on Barbara Eden. Hey, I was eight, but I knew what I liked. So this weeks Comeback Challenge is brought to you by:
So without any further adieu, lets get started with the Bachelors.


1. I am an easygoing guy that is known for being a smart arse, I found it to be a good survival technique.

That's not easygoing, that's just plain laziness to let your smart arse do all the thinking for you.

Jeannie: If smart arses make you easygoing, I think I'll make you one.
Tony: Now Jeannie, you know what I said about blinking things in for me.
Jeannie: But it's an arse and it's smart.
*Blink Blink*
Tony (Smart Ass): Jeannie! That's not funny, now change me back. Jeannie! Jeannie!
*Blink Blink*
_______________________________________________


2. Wise Men Don't Play Leapfrog with Unicorns

You might as well try! You're not bearing Frankincense, Gold, or Myrrh, are you.

Tony: Leapfrog with unicorns? Who does this guy think he is?
Roger:Yeah, everybody knows that unicorns fly and you can't jump them.
Dr. Bellows:Gentlemen, you are obviously caught up in your childhood fantasies, and...

*Blink Blink*
Jeannie: Silly boys, there never was such a thing as unicorns
*Blink Blink*

_______________________________________________________


3. A Fish Thrown Back Into The Sea!

Why did it beach you in the first place?
Don't tell me, I already know.
Jeannie:If Major Nelson wasn't so cute, I would push him back in.

_________________________________________________________

4 I don't like being alone. The voices in my head get too loud!

Turn the volume down on your Blackberry!

Darren:Why put a Blackberry in your ear?
Samantha: How would I know, I'm just a witch.
Dr. Bellows:Putting fruit in ears is just classic separation anxiety manifesting itself.
Tony:Maybe there is something to this Blackberry thing, I'll check it out when I'm in Dallas. Might become as popular as these sconce lights.

________________________________

5. I'm just an enigma, if your wits are about you, try and figure me out.

To Mensa through minutia isn't that puzzling.

Darren:I've got to put these books back, this isn't even our set.
Tony: Why was Darren Stevens in here?
Roger:I don't know. Ask Jeannie, I have my own puzzles to solve.

__________________

6. YES I AM LOOKING FOR A WIFE NOT TO FAT AND NOT TO SLIM A WIFE ONLY

Shouldn't you be looking for single women? Or have they all SIZED you up?
AND STOP SHOUTING!
Jeannie:I suppose you're just like all the other men and want a smaller woman too.
*Blink Blink*
_________________________________________________


7.Looking For the Write One

Even after all those Dear John letters?

Jeannie:Not quite the message in a bottle you were expecting, was it?
_________________________________________________

8. Allow Myself To Introduce Myself

I've met 'Him' already, who are 'You'?
Tony:Let me explain..It's not what it looks like.
Roger:It's true. This guy named Foxxfyrre came over with many brown bottles that looked very similar to your bottle. He called it Grande Marnier.
Jeannie: Foxxfyrre? He's only eight and has a crush on me. Ooooo! Do you want to try starting over.
*Blink Blink*
Foxxfyrre: Someone say Grande Marnier?
___________________________________________

9. If Ignorance Is Bliss, I Choose Ignorance

Good idea! Now you can Rejoice about this Rejection and not even know why.
Jeannie: You would never reject me like that, would you?
Tony:No Jeannie, You are the best Jeannie any Major could have.
Tony(Aside):I just don't have the heart to tell her it's over and I'm moving to Dallas.

_______________________________________________

10. Fish Fear Me, Women Want Me

(Jeopardy Category: Pair-able, Wear-ables)
BEEP
Foxxfyrre: What are the Shark Diamonds?
Alex Trebek: Oooo, and you were so close too.That would be, for $1000 (or three points)-- What is Fishnet Stockings?
Foxxfyrre: Who writes these Questions?
Jeannie:Those just cant be right--I wonder. *Blink Blink*

Jeannie:No, that can't be right either.
Gilligan: Hey!!!
*Blink Blink*
________________________________________________________


Tie-Breaker: My hook is baited! Waiting For a Nibble

Not into sushi, sorry. The nerve of him, to call it a California Roll.
Roger:I wouldn't call it a California Roll, I live in Cocoa Beach Florida. But now that you're here, want to go for a dip?

________________________________________________

That's it for this round of Mimi Lenox's Comeback Challenge with guest host Barbara Eden
Jeannie: I know you still have a crush on me too, don't you Frank
Frank: Well, you know how it is.
------------------
Mimi has also awarded me with the Colors of Friendship Award. I'm tickled and pleased to receive this from Mimi.
And just a pleased as I am to receive it, I'm really happy to pass it on to some of my favorites.
Maggie from Deception Road. She is not only a blogger, but I'm really happy that I know her in real life. A coworker and best friend.
Lance Riley and Ashley from Solitary Views and Maggie's Son. Again a friend and pretty much an adopted son by proxy. Congrats to Lance and Ashley on their marriage, I wish them the best.
Gale Martin from Gem-osophy. She has been a true friend since the beginning of my blogging days.
Lizza from I am Woman, See me Blog. Lizza's a great blogger and true fiend, and like Gale she puts up with my quirky sense of humor when commenting on her posts.
Ian Healy from EDogs Everything Page, even though I've been mostly a lurker on his blog, I really enjoy his work and humor.

Mimi, thanks, and right back at you with great big XXX's and OOO's

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