Monday, March 17, 2008

Royal Rejections: Comeback Challenge

Comeback 56 01

I play Mimi's Comeback challenge as often as I can, but I can never seem to play it straight. I twist it up and add whatever silliness I can to the mix. This week I thought it would be fun to answer the Bachelor profiles as if I was a famous Queen from history. Well most are historical Royals anyway. Besides, with Mimi Queen of Memes hosting this game, it seemed appropriate that other famous Royals should get in on the game.

Round 56

Royal Rejections

Comeback 56 02 1. Let's hang it sideways in an open lot.









Comeback 56 03


No Mark, my Obelisk must stand erect in the centre of my courtyard for eons to come for my subjects to honour my ascension to Godhood, not just haphazardly hung mocking man's shortcomings. Away with you, and don't let my snake bite you in the asp on the way out. -- Cleopatra Queen of Egypt


____________________


Comeback 56 04 2. A Loyal Gentleman With Good Roots














Comeback 56 05

See, I knew there was a peanut under my mattress. --Catherine the Great of Russia








_________________________


Comeback 56 06 3. Step up to the plate










Comeback 56 07 You know that's not an appropriate thing to ask a Queen. Oh my Lord! You meant MY head. -- Mary Queen of Scots







________________________




Comeback 56 08 4. This ride ain't over yet...get on.







Comeback 56 09 I'll see if Solomon 'll tally me banana. Tis daylight come, I think I'll go home. -- Queen of Sheba









_____________________



Comeback 56 10 5. Five People Rolled Into One Seeks Same










Comeback 56 11 But Dodi, my driver will take us. We don't need to carpool. -- Princess Dianna (I'll probably be kicked out of the Common Wealth for that one)





_________________



Comeback 56 13 6. I will need to hoo you.










Comeback 56 12 How did you know my Spirit Guide is an owl. John? -- Pocahontas










_____________



Comeback 56 14 7. I'm tired of being an "Idiot Magnet."








Comeback 56 15 That is because there is just no chemistry between us. Marie Curie (Queen of Physics and Chemistry)









_______________________


Comeback 56 16 8. You had me at Hellno!







Comeback 56 17 Hell ya I had you at Hell no. That's cuz this momma's talkin an youse doin the walking. Uhhuh! The hand now sugar, youse talkin to the hand. -- Queen Latifa









______________________________


Comeback 56 18 9. Over forty victim of fate










Comeback 56 19 Don't be blowing out my candle yet, there's still some legend left in me. Sir Elton John (Queen of Knights)








_______________________




Comeback 56 20 10. My Boat Needs An Anchor









Comeback 56 21 What is a with you sailor men? I senda one out to find India, and Christofo landa in the Americas. I finance a no more armadas. -- Queen Isabella.








_____________________________



Comeback 56 22 Tie-Breaker: I Gots What You Need









Comeback 56 23 It was just a song, and there was no mention of Fat Bottomed Boys. Freddie Mercury (King of Queen)





_______________________________


That's it for this round of Mimi's Comeback Challenge round 56: The Royal Rejection episode.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Foxxfyrre's Rhetorical Answers

interrobang

I think it started when I was about five years old. Someone would talk and I would listen attentively to everything that was said. At some point, a question would be posed and I would answer it as any attentive listener would. I didn't seem to matter who the orator was that posed the question--and I know everyone heard it as well as I did, unless I was the only one listening--I would get this response, "Frank, that was a rhetorical question!" At first, I thought they would follow their rhetorical question with their own answer, even after I received the above abasement from the orator. But nay, my friends, the orator would just leave the question posed without honouring it with an answer. If my answer was incorrect, why was I scolded so harshly? Then, when I was in high school, I realized that my answers were correct to each posed rhetorical question, but they were simply undefined. In mathematics, for example, a simple equation of

"? = 1 + 1"

has a question on the left hand side, and values and operators on the right which is clearly defined and calculable. A posed rhetorical question, call it "Rq" would have this form

Rq = UNDEFINED

That is UNTIL NOW

Continuing with a mathematical example and using function notation where f is a function, and Rq is any Rhetorical Question then f(Rq) is a function where the input is a rhetorical question. Then it follows that:

f(Rq) = F(Ra)

Where Ra is a Rhetorical Answer, and capital F is the answerer (operator) of the function---in the general case that would be Foxxfyrre.

I will leave the proof up to you to complete. (Didn't you hate it when a math teacher said that).

Now that Foxxfyrre's Rhetorical Answers are formally introduced and correctly, mathematically, and logically derived and defined, I can now illustrate its use.

Linda, from Are We There Yet? was the first respondent who posed a Rhetorical Question for me to answer.

strawberries_lg Linda's Rhetorical Question

Why is it that whenever I buy healthy fruit and vegetables they practically go bad before they can be eaten but whenever I buy preservative-laden snack foods that will last until the second coming, my teenage daughter eats them up before they've even had a chance to warm the shelf?

aliens

Foxxfyrre's Rhetorical Answer
This one's easy, Linda. It's because of the aliens--yes, the ET style, and the assault to humanity is on many, very organized fronts. Almost every preservative that is in snack foods (the one's that we can't pronounce) are alien technology designed to change our genetic makeup. These preservatives are both addictive, and adaptive. Each preservative is like a small strand of mRNA and works very similar to a virus. Other alien preservatives act like amino acids, proteins, or enzymes in order to assist the viral style preservatives to fulfill their function. A virus will kill a cell, but an alien preservative will gradually change genetic markers not killing the cell it inhabits. This change is very, very gradual and taking many generations to change us to what the aliens have defined for us. The change must be very slow for rapidly changing our genetic makeup could, and most probably would cause unexpected mutation which would render us unusable for the aliens.


zour Just putting a preservative in a snack food isn't going to make a child eat that snack, no that's why they surreptitiously attack on another front---Advertising. Advertising is an alien designed method of infiltrating humanity. It is such a successful method of manipulation that we have also learned of its benefits for business and use Advertising ourselves to fit our own goals. The most successful medium in which to manipulate our youths is of course television. And it's interesting to note, that television stations expanded greatly, with many States getting their licensing for television broadcasting starting in 1947--same year as the Roswell UFO crash--with almost all of America licensed by 1955. What's more, receiving the signal to enable us to watch a program was free. tvwatching With a pair of rabbit ears perched on our TV sets focusing in on the broadcasts from networks such as ABC, CBS and NBC, we watched many, many hours of alien driven Advertising unaware of its affect on the average household.

In the late forties and early fifties children were expected to do chores, but there was no such thing as an allowance. Therefore children had no consumer power. The puzzle that the aliens needed to solve, was how to deliver their mutagen laden preservative to children to accomplish their goals. The answer to their puzzle was to get the family out and away from the kitchen table for dinner and glued to the 'box' while consuming a wonderful meal laden with alien preservatives. The Swanson TV Dinner was born and ready for consumption by 1953. By this time most of American States and Canadian Provinces had broadcasting licenses. Gradually, the family unit changed through the affect of the alien preservatives, and their increasingly aggressive marketing campaigns. Children had less responsibility in order to watch more Advertising, and were gradually given allowances (and raises on those allowances, and less chores) which in turn created a new consumer that we now term a teenager. The teenagers bought, they bought every consumable that the aliens could devise in order to spread their mutagen disguised in a snack food. Whether or not the Aliens motives are benign or malevolent is yet to be determined, but we are being changed. And you thought Mars Bars, and Milky Way Bars were just cute names for a chocolate bar.

mbwrap02

(There's hidden truth in advertising!)


So there you have it, and please play along and send me your own rhetorical questions that, up until now, you have not been able to get a real Rhetorical Answer for. If you have a question you want the answer for, just add it in comments, just state that it is for Rhetorical Answers. I'm hoping to make this silliness a weekly feature, without the mathematics of course. Tag anyone and get them sending me rhetorical questions too.

TTFN

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Comeback 55: The ECP Version Results

esphead

Many of my blog buddies play Mimi's Dating Comeback challenge as often as they can. I've played quite often and have ended up in the top 3 almost every time. On the last Comeback Challenge, I poked a little fun at Mimi because she forgot to do a snippet for Bachelor #10. Mimi usually has 10 snippets and a tie-breaker. Me, being me decided to play on that fact and in the process coined a few new (non-literary, non-scientific) terms about the missing Bachelor. So, playing further on this, I emailed Mimi with my Comeback lines last Friday evening. I then wrote a post showing my premature comeback lines without any Bachelor snippets, for they haven't been written yet. On Sunday, Mimi posted the snippets and this is the result. I will have this posted before Mimi posts the results, so I'm not sure how well I will fare until the contest is scored. I was hoping a couple of my comeback lines would hit the mark. I had to change the order of the comeback lines from the last post, but I think some hit the bull's eye.

Comeback55 01 1. Act Now While Supplies Last!

No, let me count the ways___Out!







2. Let's Drive Topless!

So you want to leave a rippling impression -- there's the lake.








comeback55 033. Dance Like My Shoes Don't Fit!

I took eight years of Ballet, now watch me split!









comeback55 044. No Such Thing As Too Much Cheese!

There's plenty of fish in a Sushi Bar too. Doesn't mean I want a roll.





comeback55 055. I Seized the day once, it was nice!

If you see Kay,
Oh,
If,
If.



tebn_logo6. I'm Itchin' For a Hitchin'!!!

You should be aware that I've buried all my EX's in Texas. You've been warned.



comeback55 06 7. Takes 2 2 Tang!

[CTRL+ALT+DEL] [Rebooting] Ahhhhhhh! Now that's refreshing!







comeback55 078. Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!

With a line like that, you should be good at baiting. So go for your Masters.








comeback55 08 9. Take me by the hand and we will see!

Ok, I'll bite---Literally.








10. You Had me At Get Lost!

"Off with his head!" Ummm. Sorry, just had a past life regression memory there. You were saying?











Tie-Breaker: Must Microwave Cats!


My favourite song was called, "All by Myself." Get it?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Well that's all for the ECP version of Mimi's Comeback Challenge. Next time I promise to let Mimi do the contest first, well maybe!!!!

Don't forget to send me your Rhetorical Questions, I'm geared up and ready for Foxxfyrre's Rhetorical Answers. I've got my thinking hat dunce cap mensa badge beer ready to just astound your imagination!

TTFN

Monday, March 03, 2008

If we all answered rhetorical questions, would there be less rhetoric?

interrobang Every question deserves an answer, and every answer needs to be honored by the presence of a well thought out question. We are all inquiring minds, and we all have an insatiable curiosity to find all the answers to every question. I have been inundated lately with many people emailing me with questions that they seemed to need answers for. They must think I'm a rhetorical guru of something. These questions are awe inspiring and probably do hold the key to the secret meaning of life and the universe. But my answers do not hold that key, they are just the way I see it. Enjoy.




1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

rhet 01 Because they are not Peeping Toms, but they will snatch a peek when they are ready.

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

No, otherwise it would be called a cone of land.




rhet 023. Why can't women put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

It's like target practice, men can't aim a bow or a gun at a target without sticking their tongue out either.

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "Hi, my name is Bob. I am an alcoholic"?

It's called AA because the next morning you know you went somewhere where there were lots of people, but damned if you can remember where or who the people were.

ret 035. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

No, but if you crossed a Cocker Spaniel with a Cougar Hound you would have a busy bar.




6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

So as not to confuse the Postman when he visits *wink wink*.


7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

So it's harder for the police to find the body, duh!


8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

To let you know when the preservatives the bottler's add to the water goes bad.


9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

If we didn't have that setting, the Brits couldn't have scones with their tea.


ret 05 10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

The Wet Nurse!





11. What do people in China call their good plates?

Same thing we do 'Mother-in-law-ware'.


12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat?

He's a scientist, not a carpenter, geeze.

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on fours, they're both dogs?

See question 5 above.


14. What do you call male ballerinas?

Gay.












15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

Their dreams are in Braille. It makes the sexy dreams so much fun!


16. If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why doesn't he buy his dinner?

It's hunting not delivery.


17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

Sounds better than thief.


18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Hard.


19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

Baby corn and young veggies.


20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

Yes, because he's the one who made the tree fall in the first place.


21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

Stars are just too hard to reach.


22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

So you are saying there is a Preparation-A.

ret07

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

You'd be happy being blown at 60 mph, I know I wouldn't bitch.




------------------

Any questions? No, really. I'm putting my dunce thinking cap on and am ready to answer all of your nagging, mystery of life, key to the universe, awe inspiring rhetorical questions and give you the answers that these questions have eluded. Add your questions as a comment or email me at foxxfyrre9 at gmail dot com and I will answer them for you. Once I receive a minimum of 10 questions I will post them in a feature called Foxxfyrre's Rhetorical Answers. To get the ball rolling, I'm tagging Mimi, Bud, Lizza, Linda, and Sandee to send me at least one question to answer and I dare them to tag others to get them to send me their questions to answer. I will post these answers by Tuesday every week. If you do manage to send me a question that stumps me, I will send you, or your taggee notice that you have stumped Foxxfyrre which you can proudly gloat and tease me about on your blog. Remember, these are awe inspiring rhetorical questions I'm after, not "Who was your girlfriend in highschool?"otherwise they couldn't be 'Foxxfyrre's Rhetorical Answers'.

(Hmmm, it's a backwards meme, go figure?)

Feel free to answer taggees questions yourself if you want to play along.

------------

TTFN?




Saturday, March 01, 2008

Comeback Challenge 55: The ECP Version (ECP= Extra Comebackulatory Perception)

esphead

Many of my blog buddies play Mimi's Dating Comeback challenge as often as they can. I've played quite often and have ended up in the top 3 almost every time. On the last Comeback Challenge, I poked a little fun at Mimi because she forgot to do a snippet for Bachelor #10. Mimi usually has 10 snippets and a tie-breaker. Me, being me decided to play on that fact and in the process coined a few new (non-literary, non-scientific) terms about the missing Bachelor. So, playing further on this, I emailed Mimi with my Comeback lines this Friday evening. Mimi doesn't post the snippets until Saturday, so now I have comeback lines before I have lines to comeback on, otherwise known as Premature Combackulation. The following is the actual email that I sent Mimi without the pictures. I added them for this post because I thought they were funny. They bear no resemblance to actual Bachelors living, or otherwise alone for eternity. No animal was hurt in the making of this post, but I can't guarantee that some Bachelor's egos will not be bruised, when the contest starts. The Bachelor's profile snippets will be added in another post when the challenge actually starts. Email to Mimi follows:

 

Hi Mimi
I'm just trying to hone my skills a little. I'm testing the waters with Preemptive Rejection aka Premature Comebackulation to develop my ECP. So the following are my comeback lines. For this to work, please do not read until you have your bachelor snippets, otherwise the results may be skewed a little and influence the results. (I'm hoping that at least a couple might be on the mark).


I just had to do this for shits'n'giggles. I guess I must be really going through CT's (Comebackulum Tremens). Ha!

 

Comeback Challenge 55
1. ????????

image001

So you want to leave a rippling impression--there's the lake.

2. ???????

image002

No, let me count the ways___Out!

3. ???????

image003
[CTRL+ALT+DEL] [Rebooting] Ahhhhhhh! Now that's refreshing!

4. ????????

image004
There's plenty of fish in a Sushi Bar too, Doesn't mean I want a roll.

5. ????????

image005
You should be aware that I've buried all my EX's in Texas. You've been warned.

6. ???????

image006
I took eight years of Ballet, now watch me split!

7. ???????

image007
If you see Kay,
Oh,
If,
If.

8. ???????

image008
With a line like that, you should be good at baiting. So go for your Masters.

9. ??????

image009
Ok, I'll bite---Literally.

10. ?????

image010
"Off with his head!" Ummm. Sorry, just had a past life regression memory there. You were saying?

Tie Breaker
?????????????

image011
My favorite song was called, "All by Myself." Get it?

..........

That's it for the ECP version of Mimi's Comeback Challenge, so stay tuned this coming Wednesday for the result.

...........

Here's a couple more cat pictures that I received recently for you to enjoy.

image012

image013

TTFN

Boy, am I in the dungeon now!!!

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